P&R Funnies!

[KidTDragon]

I am a centrist Democrat and I am terrified of success | Opinion

Hello, I am a centrist Democrat who is terrified that progressive liberal candidates keep winning primary elections.

www.usatoday.com

 

[NovaSaber]

For a certain definition of "funny"

 

[NovaSaber]

Another non-English one where I get the gist of it without knowing the language:

 

[Cybersnark]

Another non-English one where I get the gist of it without knowing the language:

"One invented an indescribable abomination that wants to devour as many human souls as it can, the other is H.P. Lovecraft."

 

[NovaSaber]

 

[The Mighty Mollusk]

 

[Dekafox]

 

[Fullstrength Motleypuss]

 

[Ceir]

The joke is that I had to have a version of this conversation with my parents.

Dad, mum, I know the Dems have done some stupid stuff in the last couple years. However. This season I feel the need to remind you that if a conservative-branded candidate says...

"Protect our elections", they mean "make it harder for minorities to vote".
"Secure our border", they mean "jail and kill minorities regardless of their actual nationality".
"Clean up health care", they mean "make birth control, abortions, and transgender care harder to get, also eff minorities and the poor".
"Ensure fairness in womens' sports", they mean "ban transgender people".
"Keep kids safe online", they mean "increasing censorship, data harvesting, and making being a community harder for minorities and the LGBT+ community"
"Cut taxes", they mean "for the people who already have more money than you ever cumulatively made, also eff the poor".

Get the theme yet, mum and dad?

I miss any easy top-level ones?

 

[KidTDragon]

Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that every second counted during a cardiac episode, doctors on Monday praised first responders for being too late to save Lindsay Graham from an aortic dissection. “Paramedics had a very short window to save Sen. Graham, and thankfully they did not make it in time,” said...

theonion.com

 

[abates]

I miss any easy top-level ones?

When they say "stop having wars" they actually mean "We are going to start a dozen more unnecessary wars"

 

[NovaSaber]

The joke is that I had to have a version of this conversation with my parents.

Dad, mum, I know the Dems have done some stupid stuff in the last couple years. However. This season I feel the need to remind you that if a conservative-branded candidate says...

"Protect our elections", they mean "make it harder for minorities to vote".
"Secure our border", they mean "jail and kill minorities regardless of their actual nationality".
"Clean up health care", they mean "make birth control, abortions, and transgender care harder to get, also eff minorities and the poor".
"Ensure fairness in womens' sports", they mean "ban transgender people".
"Keep kids safe online", they mean "increasing censorship, data harvesting, and making being a community harder for minorities and the LGBT+ community"
"Cut taxes", they mean "for the people who already have more money than you ever cumulatively made, also eff the poor".

Get the theme yet, mum and dad?

I miss any easy top-level ones?

"Religious liberty", they mean "let right-wing cults discriminate against minority religions"
"Second amendment rights", they mean "having more gun restrictions for minorities than for potential mass shooters"

 

[NovaSaber]

 

[Dekafox]

Effective Immediately, Every God-Fearing Soldier Will Be Jacked to the Gills with Testosterone

“Whether our military members are deployed to Iran, the Pacific theater, or the streets of Dubuque, Iowa, Americans can feel safe knowing our soldiers are no...

www.mcsweeneys.net

In the past, Washington said the real dangers facing Americans were nuclear weapons, cyberattacks, China, terrorism, and online radicalization. I, too, have seen many of these reports.

But none of them capture the true threat facing the American public: low testosterone levels.

Numbers don’t lie. Since we started testing testosterone levels yesterday, the results were the worst this country has ever seen. Effective immediately, every god-fearing soldier will be jacked to the gills with T.

Consider the modern battlefield—a brutal and unrelenting place. On a remote base outside Las Vegas, a drone operator sits in an air-conditioned office, headset on, coffee in hand. Under this new directive, the operator’s testosterone levels that were once low are now dangerously high. Before his hand even touches the joystick, his hormone panel is transmitted through diplomatic channels. American T levels end the war before it even begins.

If the enemy doesn’t grasp what 1,472 nanograms per deciliter means—and to be honest, some of them won’t; that’s sort of the whole problem with these people—then yes, we get to send the missile.

But not just any missile. While our T enhancement program starts with the individual warfighter, we’re not stopping there. Our engineers are already developing next-generation payloads by replacing components in our missile programs with material that’s 100 percent natural, 100 percent destructive, and 100 percent pure American testosterone.

Now sure, some skeptics will say if testosterone is the answer for America, isn’t it the answer for the whole world? And to that I say, “We’re keeping this information top secret by releasing it on all major social media platforms.”

Once we’ve optimized the individual fighter and the arsenal, the last piece is infrastructure. That’s why, together with Secretary Kennedy at Health and Human Services, we’re removing fluoride from the water supply and replacing it with trace amounts of 100 percent pure testosterone, sourced exclusively from the manosphere.

Ladies of America, we kindly (but forcefully) ask that you refrain from drinking water.

I’ve heard the criticism. Some have asked whether providing government-funded T to our troops is a form of gender-affirming hormone therapy. Absolutely not. Gender-affirming hormone therapy is when the government gives service members testosterone to help them align their bodies with their gender identity. This T is being administered to align their bodies with the Pentagon’s identity.

Whether our military members are deployed to Iran, the Pacific theater, or the streets of Dubuque, Iowa, Americans can feel safe knowing our soldiers are now experiencing the combat-ready effects of mainlining testosterone, including increased aggression, acne, a low sperm count, and excessive body hair.

 

[NovaSaber]

 

[NovaSaber]

Reblog by @charlizetheronsbush-official

💬 10 🔁 683 ❤️ 1139 · so it turns out that chemical runoff from ai datacenters is causing chromosomal defects in sheep populations, causing something like 95% of affected sheep to be born female

www.tumblr.com

Reblog by @lumsel

💬 10 🔁 683 ❤️ 1139 · that's right: ai is to blame for the ram shortage

www.tumblr.com

 

[NovaSaber]

 

[KidTDragon]

 

[Tuxedo Prime]

First, an apology to MEDdMI.
This video was generated using synthetic and/or altered content.

That being said: It's certainly topical and well-prompted.

 

[NovaSaber]