Work stories from Hell

Rhinox

too old for this
Citizen
Inspired by another thread I'll stop derailing.

So many of us have . . . interesting jobs. And with those jobs come interesting stories. Some wild, some wacky, many disgusting, but all (in hindsight) hilarious.
So here's a thread to share some of those stories.

As many of you may know, I've been in public safety for a while. I've been a corrections officer, a parole officer, a cop, and now I am the field Lt. for a decent sized private security firm in Kansas City.

So World Cup is in KC. (which is why my life sucks and I hate everything right now) As a part of that, we have upped our coverage of things and we have been taking potential threats a lot more seriously. one of the things my company does is provide security and private policing services for not only the buses (ATA), but also the KC Streetcar. KCPD doesn't have the manpower (or care) enough to provide the officers needed to keep those safe so we're subcontracted to do so.
A couple of weeks ago, a 'suspicious package' was left at one of the streetcar stops. Ended up being a Pringles can someone wrapped in duct tape because why not.

Anyway, we do the responsible thing. We close off the area with KCPD. A one block perimeter along Main Street Kansas City. No pedestrians, but we let the cars keep coming through. And the construction work nearby was allowed to continue, but overall, shutting down and controlling the area because this could be a bomb and we have to take it seriously.

We were there for over an hour. Diverting people, holding the area, and really pissing off everyone trying to get somewhere in the Crossroads of KC. Finally, this unmarked blue truck rolls into the area and stops. Guy jumps out in a blue hoodie. I and my Sgt approach. "Hey, sir we have a situation going on, you can't park here, we need you to leave." He waves at us, says it's okay, he's a cop. He turns around and shows us the back of his hoodie. It says, and I quote, "KCPD Bomb Squad. If you see me running, keep up".

. . . . . okay then.

He waves and talks to the two cops on scene, so I guess he's legit. Goes over to the streetcar stop and pulls the little league dad squat, looking at the device. We hear him go, "Hmm. Yup, I can take care of this." Goes back to his unmarked, clearly personal blue truck. Pulls out a 5 gallon Lowes bucket and a pair of oversized barbeque tongs. Clicks them twice, strolls over to the potential "bomb". Tongs it into the bucket, drops all of them into the back of his truck and says, "We're good here" and drives off into the sunset.

We were there for over an hour. Waiting on Dadbod bomb squad to tong the bomb into a bloody 5 gallon bucket and ride off into the sunset.
Yeah, I love my job.
 

Darth_Prime

Well-known member
Citizen
Ok. So I’ll expand on my story from the other thread about how I got to meet God

it’s a warm, humid day in Tampa, FL. A guy in a truck approaches the front gate of MacDill AFB and tries to get on, but wait….he doesn’t have any affiliation with the base and is told to leave. But he says he’s there to talk to the President and that he is God. Well, after a few minutes of him refusing to leave and continuing on about needing to talk to the President Tampa PD shows up, threatens to trespass God and tells him to leave. He does, but like Arnold, he says I’ll be back.

well he came back alright. He took his brand new F450 and decided to drift it around the round a bout just outside of the front gate and went flying through the gate without stopping. Our guards did great and activated the barrier to which he slammed into the net, back up and hit again. Back up and hit again. Backed up and hit it again….then he decided to get out and start yelling at the guards.

when I got there about 7 guards had their guns drawn on him (we had a security deficiency and nobody had Tasers). I came up behind him and wrestled him to the ground then everybody else dog piled. As we are putting handcuffs on him he’s yelling “I own you!” I said “You’re the one in handciffs, you don’t own jive”. Then he starts talking about how he is God and needed the metal from the base so he could build his spaceship. We immediately called for a Baker Act (72hr medical hold). Tampa PD showed up since he was a civilian to take custody of him.

I found a little pipe in his pocket for smoking the devils lettuce. In his truck were 21 EMPTY cans of Tru-leave medical marijuana. So now the Baker Act (Mental) turned into a Marchman Act (control substance abuse). We never saw him again and that was how I got to meet God.

AND….wouldn’t you know, as soon as I tossed my squadron under the bus about not having enough Tasers, within 3 days we were fully stocked and ready to carry. Unfortunately I never got a chance to use one. Tiss better to have and not need, than to need and not have…I guess.
 

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Darth_Prime

Well-known member
Citizen
Probably my most fun story…

Whiteman AFB in Missery…I mean, Missouri, we would play a game of TP Tag. We wrap a roll of TP in duct tape, the. Drive around in our humvees and you had to get it either in the window or turret of another patrol, making them “it”.

well, we got our TP ball taken away from us but didn’t want to stop. So we found a dead bird and used it. There I am, being the gold Airmen and filling up my humvee with some gas and the bird comes my way. So I poured diesel on it and said “bet you won’t pick it up now”. Instead they lit it on fire. About 1 foot from the gas hose while I’m actively filling my truck. About that time, one of the biggest asshats of a boss I ever worked for came around the corner and started yelling something about not blowing everything up. And he asked “what is that” to which I replied “THE PHOENIX HAS RISEN!” He didn’t find it very funny….but we put the fire out. Nobody dies. And the nuclear weapons we were in charge of securing were just fine….
 


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