Mental Health and Suicide

I left my wife yesterday.
She had a surgery on Wednesday. Had a little thing in the back of her throat, pocket of infection et al. Cue several days of her being at home, looking at pictures of her daughter and saying she has nothing to live for and that she hopes she dies on the table.
She didn't. Surgery took less than 10 minutes. I was there for her, got her through it, got her home and resting. Left when the ex husband came over.

I've been tired guys. For over two years I didn't hear the words "I love you" from her. No physical contact whatsoever. And continual accusations of cheating. Meanwhile her ex husband was over all the time, with a phone full of pictures of her that he took through windows and door cracks. She kept visiting and inviting over other male friends, all of whom made it very clear they're interested in her physically. We haven't been intimate since we got married 5 years ago.

She gets drunk or high on edibles every night because it's the only way she can sleep. Says she's in constant pain but doesn't do anything about it because all the doctors require covid tests and she's "over all of that". Every day I hear about how she has nothing to live for, that she wants to die. You know, all the things a husband wants to hear.

I'd been planning on leaving since last year. But then her daughter died. I couldn't let her go through that on her own. I paid for everything to get her down to Florida and stayed with her.

A former coworker of ours contacted me about 3 weeks ago. She and I have been friends since working together. She and I have started seeing each other. Being told that someone loves me again is more than I can express. Being hugged again is amazing. You never know how much you miss something till it comes back and it hits you just how much you've needed it.

Anyway, she apparently is told that I'm seeing someone and it validates all of the accusations and suspicions she's had. I'd planned to sit down with her today and let her know, but no need to do that now. She's already sent me a ton of messages telling me how horrible I am and trying to guilt trip me.
Thing is, I do feel guilty. No, my none of my needs were met. I was literally just the guy who lived there while her ex husband was basically still her husband. Neither one of us was getting any, but he kept taking pictures of her and she knew it. I tried to help as much as I could, support her and be there for her because these last years have been tough. But goddamnit why can't i get told I love you? Why was a hug too much to ask for? She kept telling me she knew I'd been spending money on "internet whores" and was "supporting several women online". (no, no I'm not) Told me that she saw some woman's name on one of our joint accounts and knew I'd been lying to her from the beginning. (again, no)

I couldn't take it anymore. I still can't. I did everything I could and it would never be enough.

I'm sorry you're going through all this Rhinox. Nobody deserves what you've had to carry.

I feel guilty. Last night was nothing but nightmares of being screamed at and told I'm this horrible person for leaving her.
I've been planning this for a while. Honestly I've wanted to leave for some time because I'm so tired of it all. Why do I feel just wracked with all of this guilt? It's been clear that despite what she said last night about how I was supposed to be "her one" that I wasn't and never would be. That she hasn't loved me in a long time nor ever trusted me despite having no reason not to.
But I'm the bad guy. Somehow it's my fault and I should have done things better. I don't know. I would have liked to have left her before starting to see someone else, but I also wanted to make sure she got through this latest surgery okay.
I don't know. I've got nothing. Just a whole bunch of guilt and, at the same time, relief that it's finally over.

She emailed me today. said she's filing for an annulment. For those who know what that exactly means.

Welp, at least you're absolved of responsibility.

I'm so sorry, Rhinox. I hope things work out.

The Trevor Project's hotline will still be live. But basically this means LGBTQ people can no longer be connected to it through the US national 988 suicide prevention hotline. They will need to be contacted DIRECTLY So spread this around They can be texted. They can be called.

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NovaSaber said:

Oliver Ghingold (@emceebois.bsky.social)

CLARIFICATION : The Trevor Project's hotline will still be live. But basically this means LGBTQ people can no longer be connected to it through the US national 988 suicide prevention hotline. They will need to be contacted DIRECTLY So spread this around They can be texted. They can be...

bsky.app

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Just barbaric. Cruel for cruelty's sake. No reason for this disconnect.


So my life has changed somewhat. The soon to be ex contacts me a few times a week. Sometimes to share memes and laughs, sometimes to tell me how horrible I am. Very bipolar. I continue to not respond to her provocations.
What's really changed is work. I was up for a promotion. Went from a sergeant down to a corporal and then to a LT in the span of a week. And unfortunately, that LT spot is over night.
I've been on nights now for about 2 weeks. My life sucks on overnights. I have been unable to adjust my sleep schedule or my life so I'm just perpetually exhausted.
Bosses keep promising me they're working on getting me back to days because i told them I will not work nights permanently. I'd give them a month or so, but I can't do this nor do I want to.
It also moves me to salaried. Because there is so much overtime on dealing with things they just put the LTs on salary. It's slightly more money than I made last year, but not by much.

I'm tired.

In the continuing saga, the will be ex removed herself and her kid from the phone plan. Perfectly normal, perfectly reasonable.
She's leaving Verizon and somehow managed to saddle me with $1000 in 'one time fees'.
Called verizon, I have no recourse whatsoever. I have to pay this.

Today she's been messaging me about her ring cameras that I set up for her. Somehow this has also pissed her off and filled my inbox with hate. She seems to think that I've hijacked them or somehow have ownership of them. I've told her she can hard reset them, create a new account I have nothing to do with and just inspired more hate.
I cannot win and I remain tired.

I also remain on overnights for now. I thought I'd understood the depths of human stupidity. I was wrong.

Rhinox said:

In the continuing saga, the will be ex removed herself and her kid from the phone plan. Perfectly normal, perfectly reasonable.
She's leaving Verizon and somehow managed to saddle me with $1000 in 'one time fees'.
Called verizon, I have no recourse whatsoever. I have to pay this.

Today she's been messaging me about her ring cameras that I set up for her. Somehow this has also pissed her off and filled my inbox with hate. She seems to think that I've hijacked them or somehow have ownership of them. I've told her she can hard reset them, create a new account I have nothing to do with and just inspired more hate.
I cannot win and I remain tired.

I also remain on overnights for now. I thought I'd understood the depths of human stupidity. I was wrong.

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Biphasic sleep works way better for me when working overnight. When I get off in the morning I'll come home eat breakfast and wind down. Then sleep for approximately 2-4 hours. Get up do whatever, eat a big meal to get nice and sleepy, and then sleep another 2-4 hours right before work.

I tried. I just couldn't get it to work for me.
But, good news, this week I've finally gotten back to days. There is a LOT more work, especially since I was stupid and allowed them to promote me to field Lt. But at least I can sleep.

I almost made it a month and a whole week. Oh well.

Now the city is on me about an expired building permit for one of my dad's properties. He had just bought the house before his diagnosis, so he's not the one who applied for the permit. I am anxious to find out what exactly it is they want me to do about it. I have never in my life met the person who applied for the permit. I do not have the permit itself. I do not have the plan. I do not have the drawings. I do not know who the contractor was. I am hoping they can just void the thing and forget about it, because if they're going to make me finish someone else's work at my own expense then this is going to be a nightmare.

It is mildly depressing how good I'm getting at dealing with this crap. It's obviously a good thing. It's better to be good at it than not. But it means this stuff has affected me. For good, yes. But it feels vaguely violating to know that it has affected me.

But the problem may be solved, so I'll just be happy about that. Winning a game I never wanted to play is still winning.

"Hello, this is City. You inherited this building permit from two owners ago so you need to close it. Talk to Building Permitting."
"Hello, this is Building Permitting. No you can't close it. Contractor can close it. Talk to Contractor."
"Hello, this is Contractor. No I can't close it. You need to close subcontracts first."
"Hello, this is Subcontractor. No I can't close it. Talk to Building Official."
"Hello, this is Building Official. Just fill out these forms and get them notarized."
"Hello, this is Printer. Feed me ink."

Hug it. I'm not going to stress about anything anymore. There is no sense in stressing about anything. I have gotten through so much jive at this point that there is no reason to believe that anything that happens to me anymore has a chance. Like, oh no, 10000000000000000000000 things in a row have failed to do me in but you're totally going to be different. No. Why would I think that? It's just goddamned Zubats. I've been swarmed by so many Zubats every single step that I'm at level 99. I still can't take one single step without getting swarmed but you're still just another Zubat. You are doomed, not me.

I have a right to believe in myself.

It's been a few years now. I was living with friends from work. Middle of the night I hear screaming. It's his girlfriend. He'd had a seizure and stopped breathing. She screamed for me to help her.
I somehow got him breathing again. Got paramedics on the phone and got him to the hospital. Was told I saved his life.
He'd had a grand mal seizure because he had brain cancer. A small tumor pushing into his grey matter, short circuiting everything. They told him not to worry. They were going to cut it out and it would be fine. It'd grow back, but once every year or two they'd just pop it right back out again. He was going to live a long, full life.

They last cut in March. Said it was fine. 2 weeks ago he started slurring his words. So he went to the doctor. It came back mad. Stage 4. Malignant and growing fast. Too fast. They couldn't operate and they couldn't stop it. They moved him out of ICU and into a hospice room because there was nothing they could do.
He died this morning. He was supposed to have a full, long life. They had it under control but it ate him in less than a month. It took him right out from under all of us. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

and the hits keep coming. Spoke to my not yet ex-wife.
She had her own cancer scans a bit ago. Told me today she'd been lying. Her scans weren't clean and the prognosis is less than a year. She refuses to tell anyone because she's "had it with everyone's jive".

No I didn't want to be married anymore, but I still care. I still have love for her. I don't want her to die, especially not of lung cancer.
What the hug? Why is everyone suddenly dying? I mean, I know healthcare in this fucked up country just sucks, but for hug sake. Why?