So, yeah, I am back from Adult Mutant Brawler Ogres! Saw it with my half-brother and his girlfriend.They enjoyed it as an action movie, but not as a TMNT movie - and they still find the designs horrible. Me? I wish I could say I hated it, but... nah. It was just a wasted 90 minutes of my life I am never getting back. It was so pointless and boring, and went by so fast, I barely noticed what happened.
In Transformers we had Sam and the human cast taking away the time from the CGI (and expensive to show) robots. Here... none of that, actually. The Turtles have just as much screentime as April. Therefore it is saddening that they still are very forgettable and boring, or sometimes just "trying too hard" levels of annoying.
The designs are still butt-ugly (though, Donnie and Leo are the most tolerable) - Raph looks like he was mutated from a whole different species, maybe a snapping turtle? Mikey has the face that will haunt your nightmares. Splinter has weird black orbs for eyes and a fu manchu, but he is not that bad when viewed from the side. Just wish they have kept his iconic robe color. Shredder... is Bayformers 2007 Megatron crossed with a Swiss Army knife and given some parts of a samurai armor. He, like all the designs, is too busy and detailed and hence, doesn't work well when viewed from afar.
The new origin is just... too much to take in. And that's in a movie about ninja humanoid reptiles with an attitude...
- April named the Turtles and Splinter when she was a kid
- They painted their bandana colors on their backs to mark them - and they adopted these colors
- April used to feed them pizza, that's why they like it
- April saves them from a fire when the lab burns down and his dad dies, and throws them in the sewer
- Splinter oddly, remembers all of this!
So yeah, Splinter is neither Hamato Yoshi, or his rat, and ... sit down for this - he learned karate from a book called "Ninjitsu in X easy steps". That he found in the sewer... Facepalm.
Back on Megan Fox, she switches between Shia Lebeuf annoying spaz attacks where she stupidly tries to explain the turtles to a distraught (an HUGE! what has she been eating?) Whoopi Goldberg, instead of 'yknow, showing her the photo she took that she shows Fichtner 2 minutes later... Or just running around with her mouth open and breathing heavily. She does a LOT of heavy breathing in this movie... dunno why. Is that a fetish? Her character is one-note and so bland you soon forget to even care for her safety.
Oh yeah, they added "Vern", her cameraman as a love interest, who is some weird mixture of Vernon and Burne played by Will Arnett. He is also one-note and has annoying habits, but he is at least not much in the movie.
The Turtles are... also one-note. Everyone spouts their catchphrase and acts like his stereotype - Donny is the nerd so he talks in technobabble and needlessly shows off his gadgets, Mike goofs around and (disturbingly) wants to bang April, Raph is angry and wants to leave the team but he is a softie inside, and Leo... Leo is just there, boringly. But, to be frank... we barely see them interact much. They have a lot of banter in battles, but it's one-note.
Oh yeah, battles... shakey-cam is so-so, but the action IS hard to follow. However, what annoyed me the most is that the Turtles are basically, bulletproof Ogres. They have super-strenght (they can throw a full container and topple a HUm-wee!), they shrug off machine gun fire, and they are built and move like a tank. Ninjas? Pffft. There is no stealth useage in the movie apart from the cargo container scenes. They jump around a lot, yes, but barely fight using their weapons, they just punch people and throw things.
Shredder, instead, was pretty awesome in fights - he moves very fast despite his size and really fights like a ninja or samurai. Splinter fights oddly, often punching and scratching like a real rat, and sometimes using his tail as it it was a prehensile whip.
The Foot... are boring. Just makes soldiers with guns and shock batons. At the end they are just locked into a warehouse and... that's that. The whole army, just locked out.
Fichtner / Sachs... I love the actor, and he is the high point of the movie, but he is totally unnecessary and is knocked out easily in the final fight. Shredder is a non-entity... he has no reason to hate Splinter here, and is just on a quest to ransom the city and make the Foot relevant again - despite, y'know, holding New York in his grip already. At least he is played by a japanese actor.
Oh, and yeah, Karai is in this too. Blink and you'll miss her. She has like, 5 lines and is utterly useless in a fight. No mention of being the Shredder's daughter, also. Then again, no normal human can fight these guys. They can punch through walls! They are super sentai turtles.
And much like in the 2007 Transformers, here too it's the human lead who kills the villain. Granted, they do a cop-out with the mutagen and indicate Shredder might come back...
Oh, and if you thought the turtles look disturbing here? Wait until you see them as youngsters in a flashback. The horror! Also, they were skinny... did Splinter feed them steroids or what?
All in all, rather boring movie. Raph gets the most character development, but all that only comes through in the last minute of the movie. If you want to watch a good TMNT movie, watch the 2007 one... or Turtles in Time.
Huh,.. interesting! Yeah I noticed that too and wanted him to move closer so I can get a better look. Might be a power suit in samurai style, indeed.
I noticed the credits showed Baxter Stockman. Where did I miss THAT in the movie?
And where was the aforementioned allusion to Dimension X?
So that was him then! Yeah, they show footage taken by kid April (because of course, what company working with dangerous alien mutagen won't allow a kid into the building with a camera to feed the lab animals?) - and where Fichtner and April's dad explain what they are doing, there is also an african-american scientist standing behind them. He has no lines, though, but I guess that was Baxter.
Edited by BB Shockwave, 04 September 2014 - 03:10 PM.