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[TheMightyMollusk]

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

[Paladin]

"What's the difference between beer nuts & deer nuts?"

 

Spoiler

 

Beer nuts average $1.65 a pound while deer nuts are usually under a buck.

Edited by Paladin, 16 February 2018 - 11:50 AM.

[TheMightyMollusk]

"Before you lose your temper at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. If you're still mad, look on the bright side; they're now a mile away and you took their shoes."

[Caldwin]

Murderer's sister: I'll have you disbarred for this — whatever that word is.
Columbo: Yes, ma'am. "Fired", I think, is the word you want.

Leslie: Thank you for straightening Margaret out. I appreciate it.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, it was the only thing I could do. I mean I just can't have you accused of murder on the wrong evidence.

Agent Carlson: Let's understand this one thing. If you start harassing this woman I'm going to take it upstairs.
Lt. Columbo: Um, just one minute, uh, Mr. Carlson. It's like this. This is not just a kidnapping. This is a murder now and I kinda figure that's my department. I'll see ya around.

Lt. Columbo: I didn't think so. Oh, listen, one more thing, Mr. Carlson. She didn't ask how her husband was killed, did she?
Carlson: No.
Lt. Columbo: That's what I thought.

Lt. Columbo: Isn't it funny how people are different? Now, me, if I found my partner dead I'd never think of opening my letters.
Ken Franklin: But I-I-I just did it to distract myself. I mean you gotta remember one thing. That's a great shock.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.

Lt. Columbo: You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth. For awhile there I never thought I was gonna get you. Believe me, you had me going in such circles. I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly, I thought of something-- how clever that first murder was-- the phone gimmick, working in late in the office. Brilliant!
Ken Franklin: Are you awarding gold medals today?
Lt. Columbo: Yes! For the first one, not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

Lt. Columbo: Isn't that weird? What a coincidence!
Brimmer: What's that?
Lt. Columbo: Here a moment ago we were talking about lefthanded people and you're lefthanded.

General Martin Hollister: [aboard the General's boat] I don't see how a man with the name of Columbo, shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?
Lt. Columbo: Must have been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?

Doris Buckner: Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police and he said he'd send over his very best man?
Roger Sanford: [looking at Columbo] Is that a fact?
Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second best but, uh, she claims there are 80 fellas tied for first.

Lt. Columbo: Listen Paul, do you happen to know the name of the other guy?
Paul Rifkin: I never asked.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, sure. I mean, why would a guy ask his girl the name of the other man.

Lt. Columbo: [looking at film, calls to projectionist] Freeze! [points to screen] There's the flower! Now that's plain as day! Where did it come from?
Alex Benedict: I don't know. What difference does it make?
Lt. Columbo: Well, on the tape at the concert you weren't wearing a flower. Now on this film coming out of Miss Well's apartment, you have a flower. Where did it come from?
Alex Benedict: Are you actually trying to pin this murder on me with, with that?
Lt. Columbo: Yes.

Sgt. Wilson: [nods] I bought this one myself.
Lt. Columbo: You used your own money?
Sgt. Wilson: Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.
Lt. Columbo: You must be a bachelor.

[TheMightyMollusk]

" Does your world want for a wealth of wordplay and wit? An abundance of alliteration, assonance aplenty and a soupcon of sibilance to seal the deal? Well, you were warned."

[Caldwin]

Not really funny or punchliney. But this is one of my favorite moments of the game (so far). Also kinda long.
 

Ellie: Man! I shot the hell out of that guy huh?

Joel: Yeah, you sure did!

Ellie: I feel sick.

Joel: Why didn't you just hang back like I told you to?

Ellie: Well you're glad I didn't, right?

Joel: I'm glad I didn't get my head blown off by a damn kid!

Ellie: You know what? No! How about, hey Ellie, I know it wasn't easy but it was either him or me. Thanks for saving my ass? You got anything like that for me, Joel?

Joel: We gotta get goin'.

Ellie: Lead the way!

 
Joel: I'm gonna jump down there and I'm gonna clear us a path.

Ellie: What about me?

Joel: You stay here.

Ellie: This is so stupid. We'd have more of a hugging chance if you'd let me help.

Joel: I am! *picks up rifle* Now you seem to know your way around a gun. You reckon you can handle that?

Ellie: Well, uh, I sorta shot a rifle before. But it was at rats.

Joel: Rats?

Ellie: With BB's.

Joel: Well, it's the same basic concept. Lift it up. Alright now you're gonna wanna lean right into that stock cause it is gonna kick a hell of a lot more than any BB rifle.

Ellie: Okay.

Joel: Go ahead and pull the bolt back. Grab it right there. Just tug it. There you go. Now as soon as you fire, you're gonna wanna get another round in there quick. Listen to me. If I get into trouble down there, you make every shot count. Yeah?

Ellie: I got this.

Joel: Alright. And just so we're clear about back there, it was either him or me.

Ellie (totally sincere): You're welcome.

 

Ellie: How'd I do?

Joel: *takes away rifle* How 'bout something a little more your size. *hands her a pistol* *hesitates* It's for emergencies only.

Ellie: Okay!

Joel: *gives her the pistol*

 

Yeah, not a terribly funny quote, but a hell of a moment. If you've played it, you understand.

Edited by Caldwin, 18 April 2018 - 04:30 PM.

[TheMightyMollusk]

"Break a warrior's body, and he will thirst for vengeance. Break his spirit, and he will clamor for peace. Judge my methods distasteful if you will - but know that I seek to end this conflict, not prolong it."

[Caldwin]

Help given by IMDB. If there're any mistakes, it's there fault, not mine.

Also, major spoilers for Last of Us

Spoiler

Ellie: I'm sure your "friend" will be missing this tonight. Light on the reading, but it's got some interesting photos.

Joel: Now Ellie, that ain't for kids.

Ellie: Whoa! How...how the hell would you even walk around with that thing?

Joel: Get rid of that. Just...

Ellie: Hold you're horses. I wanna see what the fuss is about. Oh...why are these all stuck together?

Joel: Um...

Ellie: I'm just hugging with you. Bye bye, dude! (throws magazine out the window.

 
Ellie: That girl is so skinny. I thought you had plenty of food in your time.

Joel: We did. Some just chose not to eat it.

Ellie: Why the hell not?

Joel: For looks.

Ellie: Pfft! That's stupid.

 
David: You stupid little girl! You are making it very difficult to keep you alive. What am I supposed to tell the others now?

Ellie: Ellie.

David: What?

Ellie: Tell them that Ellie is the little girl...that broke your HUGGING FINGER!

David: How did you put it, hmm? Tiny pieces? See you in the morning, Ellie.

 
Ellie: I'm not her you know.

Joel: What?

Ellie: Maria told me about Sarah...and...

Joel: Ellie! You are treading on some mighty thin ice here.

Ellie: I'm sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I have lost people too.

Joel: You have no idea what loss is.

Ellie: Everyone I have cared for has either died or left me...everyone...hugging...except for you! So don't tell me that I would be safer with someone else because the truth is I would just be more scared!

Joel: You're right. You're not my daughter...and I sure as hell ain't your dad...and we are going our separate ways.

 
Joel: We don't have to do this. You know that, right?

Ellie: What's the other option?

Joel: Go back to Tommy's. Just...be done with this whole thing.

Elle: After all we've been through, I mean, everything that I've done, it can't be for nothing. Look, I know you mean well. But there's no halfway with this. Once we're done, we'll go wherever you want. Okay?

Joel: Well, I ain't leavin' without you. Let's go wrap this up.

 
Marlene: Wait! Let me go. Please!

Joel: You'd just come after her.

*point blank shot to the head*

 
Ellie: Back in Boston...back when I was bitten, I wasn't alone. My best friend was there and she got bit too. We didn't know what to do. So she says let's just wait it out. You know, we can be all poetic and just lose our minds together. I'm still waiting for my turn.

Joel: Ellie!

Ellie: Her name was Riley and she was the first to die. And then it was Tess, and then Sam.

Joel: None of that is on you.

Ellie: No. You don't understand.

Joel: I struggled for a long time with surviving. And you...no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for. Now I know that's not what you want to hear right now...

Ellie: Swear to me. Swear to me that everything you that said about the fireflies is true.

Joel: I swear.

Ellie (after long pause): Okay.

[TheMightyMollusk]

"If you encounter a unit you can't identify, fire one round over their heads so it won't hit anyone.
If the response is a fusillade of rapid, precise rifle fire, they're British.
If the response is a shitstorm of machine gun fire, they're German.
If they throw down their arms and surrender, they're Italian.
And if nothing happens for fire minutes and then your position is obliterated by support artillery or an airstrike, they're American."

[Foffy]

Anais: Gumball, the world doesn't revolve around you.

Gumball: Yes it does! *Turns around in a circle* Look, it's happening right now!

Edited by Foffy, 07 May 2018 - 11:28 AM.

[TheMightyMollusk]

"I do not have a laser, and I will laser to death anyone who says otherwise."

[Foffy]

"Birthday? Is that the human celebration with the lit-up tree?

"Birthdays are when you set the dessert on fire and reassemble a donkey. The lit-up tree is Arbor Day.

[TheMightyMollusk]

"It's nice to dream of a world without pain and suffering. But the world is what it is, and dreams will only carry you so far. That's why we have swords."

[MEDdMI]

...together they sailed upon a crystal starship into the black depths of infinity where the moon shone a path to passion's way.

~From "Tender Warrior" by Fern Michaels, a random old romance novel I got from the bookshelves at work. This line just made me laugh with the way it described the end of the sex scene.

[TheMightyMollusk]

"Does everyone in your group have weird emotional issues?"
"Eh, tha cat's prob'ly fine."

[Caldwin]

Green Lantern: There was a Green Lantern movie...but we don't talk about it.

Hey! I'm Stan Lee and I'm doing my subtle cameo. This is a DC movie? Oh, gee, I gotta get outta here!

I'm back. I don't care if it's a DC movie, I love cameos.

R.I.P. Stan Lee.

[TheMightyMollusk]

"Can we see something other than restaurants? Ever?"
"There is nothing as wonderful as a hunger taming food adventure!"
"..."
"Does that mean you don't want to?"
"I never said that."

[Caldwin]

The voice of the batarian woman burst into the room over the comm system, so loud in the large, empty hospital bay that both Yorrik and Ysses jumped.

"All right, you big dumb peasants, we've located crate NNwhotheshitcares and got the damn thing open. In what will be news to no one, quarians really love garbage. Who-ever belongs to this crate stuffed it full of junk, most of it not even quarian junk. And, good news! We can all rest easy knowing that the Andromeda galaxy will not have to suffer without little girls' tea parties, because there's a whole set of cups and saucers and crap in here, as blue as an Afterlife dancer's ass. Oh, and a case of Horosk straight out of Palaven's cellars. Naughty, naughty mummy and daddy!"

-- Mass Effect: Annihilation

[Foffy]

"This is the pope. I’m really going to let your ass have it, you idiot. I’m going to spank you so hard that all the hideous paintings of angels in the Vatican start to frown. Prepare your doomed ass for my open palm, and may God’s grace shine down upon you."

[TheMightyMollusk]

"Thank you for calling the United States of America. We are open from 8:30 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. weekdays, and are located between Canada and Mexico in the western hemisphere. If you would like to make a declaration of war, press one. Trade treaties and tariffs, press two."