I'm not in any danger, but I am in an anxiety crisis.
I live in a state of passive suicidal ideation most of the time, as life and experience has gradually stolen away my joy, bit by bit. But, the current combined storm of climate change, political incompetence, rampant willful ignorance, and the fear that COVID-19 might harm people I care about, has left me in a state of near-paralysis.
I want to scream, but I shouldn't. I want to wreck everything, but that solves absolutely nothing. I want to bleed just so the sight of it can remind me that I'm alive and that I exist, as much as I may not wish to be. But I can't do that either, because that will frighten and worry people I care about, and its also rationally counter-productive.
A big part of the problem is that I've been rationing my medication because I'm almost out, as I've exhausted my refills. As much as I resent having to be on them, the sad truth is that without them, I'll become utterly useless, and my usual rationalizations that prevent me from taking my own life (mainly, it would be traumatic to people I care about) may not be enough to prevent a moment of true suicidal crisis.
My hope is that by talking about this, even in this short post, might press me into action in regards to getting my meds refilled.