National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
I wanted to create this thread because I know that there are people here who are going through this fight. We have a Feel Good thread. But let's be honest. I think there's a few of us who aren't looking for a thread of glitter and rainbows.
I have twice been left behind after a friend of mine has committed suicide. I don't ever want to see that happen in this community, certainly not if maybe there's something that could be done about it.
I also know that sometimes it's not exactly polite to ask for a personal story like this and not offer your own. And it can also be difficult to be the first to share. So I'll start this off, not because I'm looking for a pity party for myself. That's the absolute last thing I want.
But maybe if I get this started, others will be encouraged to speak out and hopefully I won't be looking at my third time of surviving another friends suicide.
First I guess the obvious. There's no one "cause." If I were to try to nail this down to one single "a-ha" moment that caused my depression, you would all (rightfully) call bullshit on the whole thing. So I guess here's a condensed tl:dr story of my life and, who knows? Maybe there'll be something in here that you can relate to?
I've always been a bit of a pessimist. But I would never say that I was depressed. Still the times a legit smile crossed my face was few and far between. Elementary was hell. Not sure what all to say except there's a reason bullies are a button for me. Middle School was okay. Teachers (outside one or two) still were a source of hugitall. I mostly enjoyed High School...outside that one time a student literally threatened to kill me.
But I never really hang out with others unless there was a school project we were working on. I didn't go to prom, very few school dances or parties, never dated or even kissed a girl until college. Overall, I was a very introverted loner and was fine that way.
But then I can tell you that being a loner gets lonely. Sounds like a duh thing to say, but it's something I didn't really consider until now I'm older and I never really did develop those social skills that seem so easy for everyone else but I don't have so here I am typing on bulletin boards all night.
I'm also a Christian. To me that always came with a list of does and don'ts. And let's just say you don't live 40 years without hugging it up...frequently.
Fair enough. Who hasn't done something that they're ashamed of? Except whenever I would try to talk about it, sometimes even to those who shared my faith, it was often met with "that's not so bad" or "everybody does that."
That's not what I was looking for. I mean, I wasn't looking for a flogging or anything. But something I was feeling pretty shitty about always got written off as no big deal.
And so it happens again and again, more frequently and it gets to the point of damn I hate who I'm looking at in the mirror...those times I can even look. I utterly hate who I am.
I hear someone say that I should think of something positive to say about myself or that I'm worth something. Pretentious moron! There's nothing I could say that I'm ever going to believe so take your god damn sunshine and rainbows and leave me alone!
Also comes the problem that I look at my problems and I see what other people are going through. What right do I have to complain? Comparatively, I'm pretty damn blessed! Even more cruel were the times (and there were many) when I actually would come out and say "hey, I'm having trouble with this" and it would be met with "you think that's bad, well this is what happened to me/him/her.
Well, fair enough, but I still feel pretty shitty. Thanks!
And looking back at what I've written, it feels stupid. Aside from me being petty, how does any of that add up to me being where I am?
It feels stupid, even now. But I have to say, I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself. I have good days. But that doesn't negate the fact that several times the past few weeks I've entertained some really self-destructive thoughts.
And my go to phrase "if I were going to do something, I'd have done it already" is holding a lot less water now that the idea has popped into my head of how exactly I could do it and how simple it would be. I'm about one single "hug it" moment away from doing something stupid and I've never been more scared of myself than I am right now.
Before you say anything about me, this isn't about me, at least not totally. I have my annual checkup in a couple weeks. I'm going to ask for a reference for a therapist. So, finally, I'm taking steps.
But this isn't about me. Like I said at the beginning, I wanted to get a conversation started because I know I'm not the only one here who feels this way. And if this thread can help someone else open up and maybe start healing, that is what this thread is for.
Edited by Fnu Aw, 08 September 2018 - 12:09 AM.