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@  Ashley : (23 October 2019 - 06:13 PM)

Yes, please read the full context

@  Steevy Maximus : (23 October 2019 - 04:53 PM)

If I wasn't reading shout for more than a couple lines, this line of discussion would be very inappropriate

@  wonko the sane? : (23 October 2019 - 09:08 AM)

Don't frustrate yourself OR her for it. Just keep the camera ready and if it happens, it happens.

@  Ashley : (23 October 2019 - 12:15 AM)

I'll probably try waving treats in front of her and whistling it, see if I can encourage it

@  Ashley : (23 October 2019 - 12:14 AM)

I'll try. She's not the most obedient bird, so it's going to take some work to get her to do it on demand.

@  wonko the sane? : (22 October 2019 - 10:03 PM)

In fact; we demand video.

@  MEDdMI : (22 October 2019 - 09:26 PM)

Now you have to get it on video

@  Ashley : (22 October 2019 - 08:11 PM)

I'm so proud

@  Ashley : (22 October 2019 - 08:11 PM)

My parrot just whistled the Transformers theme music

@  Steevy Maximus : (22 October 2019 - 06:10 PM)

Yeah, I think both are too old and too expensive at this stage. Hasbro/Paramount are going to try for younger actors that can do multiple films AND can be locked into a multifilm contract cheaply

@  Paladin : (22 October 2019 - 06:05 PM)

so he'd probably be sixty by the time they get to another GI Joe project.

@  Patch : (22 October 2019 - 06:04 PM)

According to Wikipedia he's 51.

@  Paladin : (22 October 2019 - 05:38 PM)

isn't Crews like sixty now???

@  wonko the sane? : (22 October 2019 - 02:11 PM)

... I could get behind that.

@  RichardT1977 : (22 October 2019 - 12:33 PM)

Who thinks that, in the event of a GI Joe cinematic reboot, John Cena and Terry Crews would be perfect for Duke and Roadblock, respectively?

@  Telly : (21 October 2019 - 05:17 PM)

nevermind

@  Shrug : (21 October 2019 - 04:59 PM)

I've barely used them over the years, so I'm sure they won't miss me, but I'm done too. Thankfully Pulse put up the Seacons today.

@  Telly : (21 October 2019 - 04:58 PM)

i didnt complete it, which is why this is confusing and pi$$ing me off. theres no record of it in my order history. i emailed them about it, so we will see what happens. either way, i think im done using them after this

@  Shrug : (21 October 2019 - 04:55 PM)

Either we're both unlucky or they're trying to force payment now for these takaratomy mall exclusives.

@  Shrug : (21 October 2019 - 04:55 PM)

I asked them to kindly undo that and I got a sternly worded email about how I should use their website right.

@  Shrug : (21 October 2019 - 04:55 PM)

Yeah, if you completed the order, they charged you the money now. Mine said stack before I finished checking out. I only noticed I was charged because of Paypal.

@  Telly : (21 October 2019 - 04:53 PM)

i wasnt even wanting to pay now. i was going to add them to my stack but i didnt get the chance after i was done setting up paypal

@  Shrug : (21 October 2019 - 04:53 PM)

If you haven't officially placed the order, I don't think so? Although, I had to request a cancellation with them last week because their system changed details about my order after I placed it, so I don't exactly trust them.

@  Telly : (21 October 2019 - 04:51 PM)

so im not actually being charged then?

@  Shrug : (21 October 2019 - 04:48 PM)

So, if you were one click away from purchasing, then they probably did the pre-authorization already. The next click will charge you the money now.

@  Shrug : (21 October 2019 - 04:47 PM)

TFsource charges upfront for regular pre-orders.

@  Telly : (21 October 2019 - 04:45 PM)

i was considering buying the upcoming seacons from tfsource. i had them in my cart and was on the checkout page. i set up a credit card through paypal, and before i even hit the "place order" button, i got a text saying that a charge or hold was placed on my card! is this normal? is it just checking to see if i have the money? why did it do it before i even placed the order??

@  Maximus Ambus : (21 October 2019 - 01:23 PM)

It's a torture device.

@  Benbot : (21 October 2019 - 09:42 AM)

what's this about Hot Rod?

@  SHIELD Agent 47 : (20 October 2019 - 10:36 PM)

Ex-Bundeswehr personnel, eh? Fascinating.

@  Pinkcolliebot : (20 October 2019 - 09:43 PM)

TF Roll Out Hot Rod's Presentation is coming real soon!!

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 01:05 PM)

So whenever he addresses his troops, he keeps cracking jokes. Sometimes these jokes are about the blunders he himself had made in his speech the previous day.

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 01:01 PM)

At the moment, I'm blessed with a pretty nice superior. He's got a military background, but he takes an oddly entertaining approach to it. Imagine a stand-up comedian who accidentally enlisted as a drill sergeant.

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 12:54 PM)

Another type of everyday absurdity: Imagine you're leaving your workplace for your lunchbreak. Upon your return, you discover that your workplace has been cordened and/or gated off during your break, with "construction site" warning signs everywhere. You go to your superior and tell him: "I can no longer access my workplace! Why is there suddenly a construction site?" Your superior takes a surpised look and says: "I don't know, first time I see this." You figure: "Must be a Tuesday, then."

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 12:51 PM)

It's kind of surreal, really.

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 12:50 PM)

They agree that things are less than ideal, but they acknowledge that their scope of making decisions is limited. Oddly, I keep getting that regardless of how high up the chain of command I bother people.

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 12:49 PM)

"I hear you, but you know how it is, there's nothing I can do about it." That's it, basically.

@  TheMightyMol... : (19 October 2019 - 06:40 AM)

What's it like to have management that's willing to listen to things they don't want to hear? I've never seen that.

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 04:41 AM)

I manage to argue within the company's own internal logic and point out the flaws, shortcomings and discrepancies between "official company policy" and "everyday company reality".

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 04:40 AM)

Many of my coworkers are scared to even talk to managers. I often discuss company matters with them I disagree with, and it isn't a rare occurrence that they say "yeah, you're right..."

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 04:38 AM)

I know how to watch my tone, and I prefer to keep things straightforward and factual, never to attack the person, always the problem itself.

@  Nevermore : (19 October 2019 - 04:37 AM)

The good thing for me is ever since a minor hiccup many years ago when I was still non-permanent, I've always managed to along just fine with my various superiors (I've been through over a dozen already). And that's despite my outspokenness, my blunt honesty and my oftentimes harsh criticism.

@  Sabrblade : (18 October 2019 - 11:04 PM)

With visuals presented by the Cybernet Space Cube

@  Dekafox : (18 October 2019 - 04:51 PM)

And don't forget to sign up for a cybersecurity seminar while you're there

@  Dekafox : (18 October 2019 - 04:47 PM)

Well you can always strap on some cyberlimbs and go into cyberspace for a cyberpunk experience

@  NotVeryKnightly : (18 October 2019 - 04:28 PM)

You know that "cyber" doesn't mean "cyborg", right?

@  Maximus Ambus : (18 October 2019 - 04:16 PM)

So where's the Cyborgs on CYBERtron?

@  The Doctor Who : (18 October 2019 - 03:47 PM)

Click here and we can send you notifications about your desire to discontinue notifications!

@  Benbot : (18 October 2019 - 10:40 AM)

Why does every damn website want to send me notifications? NO, no one wants your popups! Quit asking!

@  Echowarrior : (18 October 2019 - 09:19 AM)

Amazon in the US has pretty good benefits, though, and even the temp workers had forty hours a week to start with. Even with minimum wage, that's pretty good pay.


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Depression and Suicide

Depression suicide healing

222 replies to this topic

#1 Caldwin

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Posted 07 September 2018 - 09:29 PM

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

 

 

 

I wanted to create this thread because I know that there are people here who are going through this fight. We have a Feel Good thread. But let's be honest. I think there's a few of us who aren't looking for a thread of glitter and rainbows.

I have twice been left behind after a friend of mine has committed suicide. I don't ever want to see that happen in this community, certainly not if maybe there's something that could be done about it.

I also know that sometimes it's not exactly polite to ask for a personal story like this and not offer your own. And it can also be difficult to be the first to share. So I'll start this off, not because I'm looking for a pity party for myself. That's the absolute last thing I want.

But maybe if I get this started, others will be encouraged to speak out and hopefully I won't be looking at my third time of surviving another friends suicide.

 

First I guess the obvious. There's no one "cause." If I were to try to nail this down to one single "a-ha" moment that caused my depression, you would all (rightfully) call bullshit on the whole thing. So I guess here's a condensed tl:dr story of my life and, who knows? Maybe there'll be something in here that you can relate to?

I've always been a bit of a pessimist. But I would never say that I was depressed. Still the times a legit smile crossed my face was few and far between. Elementary was hell. Not sure what all to say except there's a reason bullies are a button for me. Middle School was okay. Teachers (outside one or two) still were a source of hugitall. I mostly enjoyed High School...outside that one time a student literally threatened to kill me.

But I never really hang out with others unless there was a school project we were working on. I didn't go to prom, very few school dances or parties, never dated or even kissed a girl until college. Overall, I was a very introverted loner and was fine that way.

But then I can tell you that being a loner gets lonely. Sounds like a duh thing to say, but it's something I didn't really consider until now I'm older and I never really did develop those social skills that seem so easy for everyone else but I don't have so here I am typing on bulletin boards all night.

 

I'm also a Christian. To me that always came with a list of does and don'ts. And let's just say you don't live 40 years without hugging it up...frequently.

Fair enough. Who hasn't done something that they're ashamed of? Except whenever I would try to talk about it, sometimes even to those who shared my faith, it was often met with "that's not so bad" or "everybody does that."

That's not what I was looking for. I mean, I wasn't looking for a flogging or anything. But something I was feeling pretty shitty about always got written off as no big deal.

And so it happens again and again, more frequently and it gets to the point of damn I hate who I'm looking at in the mirror...those times I can even look. I utterly hate who I am.

I hear someone say that I should think of something positive to say about myself or that I'm worth something. Pretentious moron! There's nothing I could say that I'm ever going to believe so take your god damn sunshine and rainbows and leave me alone!

 

Also comes the problem that I look at my problems and I see what other people are going through. What right do I have to complain? Comparatively, I'm pretty damn blessed! Even more cruel were the times (and there were many) when I actually would come out and say "hey, I'm having trouble with this" and it would be met with "you think that's bad, well this is what happened to me/him/her.

Well, fair enough, but I still feel pretty shitty. Thanks!

 

And looking back at what I've written, it feels stupid. Aside from me being petty, how does any of that add up to me being where I am?

It feels stupid, even now. But I have to say, I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself. I have good days. But that doesn't negate the fact that several times the past few weeks I've entertained some really self-destructive thoughts.

And my go to phrase "if I were going to do something, I'd have done it already" is holding a lot less water now that the idea has popped into my head of how exactly I could do it and how simple it would be. I'm about one single "hug it" moment away from doing something stupid and I've never been more scared of myself than I am right now.

 

Before you say anything about me, this isn't about me, at least not totally. I have my annual checkup in a couple weeks. I'm going to ask for a reference for a therapist. So, finally, I'm taking steps.

But this isn't about me. Like I said at the beginning, I wanted to get a conversation started because I know I'm not the only one here who feels this way. And if this thread can help someone else open up and maybe start healing, that is what this thread is for.


Edited by Fnu Aw, 08 September 2018 - 12:09 AM.

PSN = Caldwin Switch = SW-7457-8143-2029

Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.

Before you do anything you can't undo...National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

#2 D Immortalis

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Posted 07 September 2018 - 11:01 PM

i havent been hospitalized for a suicide attempt since january 2016. That doesnt mean its been taken off of the "this is always an option" list.

 

I had my 2nd major spinal surgery, and basically, all the hope i had too be better has basially been stolen from me because i feel just as bad physically. Basically ive been told, it could take a year to heal fully or "youll never get worse but you wont get better" LIKE THATS A hugging OK THING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH!

 

My therpist is a litteral life saver, but thats just a me thing, They do help, they are awesome if you get the right one. Mines like half phd and half hippy, crystal healings inbetween sessions sometimes...i meditate, so im down for anything where "the placebo effect" may apply.

 

Suicide is no joke, its no game, its a one way ride. i always planned to be dead by 30, for me, that wasnt a joke, or a game, it was a factual action based on the life i had lead till that point, i remember being 25 and starting to say "but imagine how bad things will be by 35? i dont want that."...and then i kept living, and for the past 8 years i have questioned that decision more times than id probably admit. 

 

Sometimes i get very petty about other people lives. "EVERYONE love you and cares about you!" more often just makes me more angry and more despondent and less like i want to keep going. I also feel like no one hears me alot, because they have their own live and their own shit, and im just a droning noise in the background...

 

And here i am....sitting here on a friday night feeling likee the sword of damocles is hanging over me, just waiting for somthing horrible to happen to me because i bought a nice new tv, and i know the minute something good happens, someting horrible is right on the horizon, so my world right now is me paranoid, me angry, and me hating everyone who doesnt have to feel like this, both physically and mentally.

 

the question ive said and "jokingly" always asked my friends since I was 16..."Can I die yet?" looms louder and more prevalent with my pain.


Edited by D Immortalis, 07 September 2018 - 11:03 PM.

_+-=-+DAEMON IMMORTALIS+-=-+_

 

Day One is over, The Future's approaching
The embers are glowing, we're spreading the ash


#3 Fnu Aw

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Posted 08 September 2018 - 12:10 AM

I've added the suicide prevention hotline to the top of the thread.

 

 

My experience: someone I didn't know committed suicide a few houses away a few years ago. Someone I did know was involuntarily committed after a suspected suicide attempt.

 

I never attempted suicide myself, but I did think about it for a while starting when I was... 9. I had my reasons. Some of it feels trivial enough now that I feel like an ungrateful privileged brat for not finding some happiness in something I had, but some of my health problems were kicking in around that time and that undoubtedly did not help.

 

I got temporary bits of help here and there, just often enough to keep me going so I never made a suicide attempt or took steps toward an attempt. What finally snapped me out of it for good was realizing that I had nothing to lose. I mean, think about it. If suicide's on the table, genuinely, you really mean it, it is seriously an acceptable option at your disposal and you're not afraid to turn to it... it's pretty hard to get yourself into a situation where you won't still have that option. So... what then is the risk of trying literally anything? Go do something. Learn something. Try something. Try everything. At that point nothing can go so wrong.

 

If you've considered suicide or are currently considering it, you've got a bad option, and you've got infinite-1 other options that cannot end worse. An option that can't be worse but could be better is the obvious choice every time.


B5ofTKU.jpg


#4 Caldwin

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Posted 08 September 2018 - 04:15 PM

Two things. One, don't worry. This isn't going to be something where I'm going to feel compelled to reply to everything. I often have no idea what to say. I'm hoping everyone will join in, those who have stories and those who may just be looking for understanding of why someone they knew may have taken this route. Basically, I want to take away the whole "this isn't something people talk about" train of thought out of our psyche.


That doesnt mean its been taken off of the "this is always an option" list.


Two, this struck me cause it's something I've thought about myself. It's kind of a double edged sword. Going along with something Fnu said, it's occurred to me that sometimes I'll have a choice between suicide or this other thing. So I'll decide, fine, I'll do this other thing. After all, suicide's always an option. So I guess in that case it was a comfort because I could usually find a way to, for lack of a better word, procrastinate on it because it would always be an option.

Other edge of the sword though, now I'm worried about what if I do get "better?" What if I get this therapist and he/she puts me on these pills that's supposed to make me all happy or what the hell ever? Let's just say for a moment that I get "better." Does suicide ever become less of on option? I mean, now that I've considered it, now that I have a plan for it...does it ever become not an option again? Or is this something I'm always going to be on guard against?
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Before you do anything you can't undo...National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

#5 Echowarrior

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Posted 09 September 2018 - 08:56 PM

Well, I figure I may as well chip in on this, given I've had down periods more often than I'd like and have been tempted to put myself out of the world's misery.

 

I've had good times, and I've had bad times. More often than not, however, I've felt like the universe is just seeking to make me miserable simply because it knows it can get away with doing so. Couple that with the feeling that people hate me simply because I have a different opinion from them over something that is for all intents and purposes minor and inconsequential, and my mood doesn't really improve. Part of that is feeling like I'm not allowed to get things done for myself, usually because of other obligations or because other people or things have demanded my time for various reasons. Another part of that is when something goes south and I feel as though I have no one to blame except myself. Heck, sometimes it's all three.

 

The really sad part is that I can't really talk about this sort of thing within my household. Aside from encouraging a lot of my self-loathing, my father straight-up views suicide as pointless with the logic that no one would really care that you were gone. He certainly couldn't wrap his head around why Robin Williams took his own life - why purposefully kill yourself if you're rich and famous?

 

I keep going, mostly because I know that people do care for me and because I have reasons to keep going. But I won't deny there are times where it's harder than others to keep sight of those reasons.


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#6 The Doctor Who

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Posted 09 September 2018 - 11:44 PM

I am glad to see you're going to take steps, Caldwin. That's a sign of very real personal growth and something you should be genuinely proud of. As hard as it can be to live with emotional disorders, taking the steps to deal with them can be even harder.

 

For my own part, I've lived with anxiety and depression, exacerbated by the emotionally manipulative and abusive behavior of my mother.  It's really only in the last few years since I finally got away from her that I've had the freedom to really realize just how bad things were and how unhealthy my thinking was, to say nothing of getting to the point of possibly seeking help. I won't go into the details about my issues. The people who need to know, know. I could write a book on how bad parenting can make an already screwed up mind even worse.

 

Self destructive thoughts have been part of my life for so long I don't entirely remember not having them. There was only one point in my life where I was bordering on genuine suicidal thinking, but thankfully some lucky events broke me out of it and I've managed to steer clear of it ever since, but I've never shaken the self loathing and self harm that comes with depression and anxiety.  Sometimes I think the only thing that stops me from being genuinely suicidal is that I'm too afraid of death to give it genuine thought. Which... probably isn't the best indicator of good mental health ever.

 

Point is, you're not alone on this and take it from someone dealing with the consequences of neglected childhood/adult emotional issues, get help.  Shit's miserable dealing with it personally.


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#7 Fnu Aw

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Posted 11 September 2018 - 08:50 PM

Two, this struck me cause it's something I've thought about myself. It's kind of a double edged sword. Going along with something Fnu said, it's occurred to me that sometimes I'll have a choice between suicide or this other thing. So I'll decide, fine, I'll do this other thing. After all, suicide's always an option. So I guess in that case it was a comfort because I could usually find a way to, for lack of a better word, procrastinate on it because it would always be an option.

Other edge of the sword though, now I'm worried about what if I do get "better?" What if I get this therapist and he/she puts me on these pills that's supposed to make me all happy or what the hell ever? Let's just say for a moment that I get "better." Does suicide ever become less of on option? I mean, now that I've considered it, now that I have a plan for it...does it ever become not an option again? Or is this something I'm always going to be on guard against?


Personally, I got better. Suicide's still an option, I guess, but at some point I stopped thinking about it and it didn't come back. I don't know precisely when. There was no moment when I went "Now it's not an option anymore." I just didn't think about it anymore even to tell myself I wasn't going to think about it anymore.

B5ofTKU.jpg


#8 D Immortalis

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Posted 12 September 2018 - 03:22 AM

i swear this next bit of stuff is me in no way making light of this.

 

The lighter side of "suicide is always an option", is this: The nice thing about suicide being Option A, is that Option B is literally EVERYTHING ELSE~! "I could kill myself, or I could prank call a one legged man and try to sell him shoes for the missing foot."

 

"I could kill myself or I could make a grilled cheese with 7 different cheeses"

 

"I could totally kill myself tonight, or I could draw 700 orange, blue, and cyan isosceles triangles and tape them to my fridge."   

 

and so on, and so forth. =]

 

Also, its not just enough to "get Help.", you have to also be willing to put in the work. Realizing that you have the strength to work on keeping yourself alive, and facing all the dark spots in your mind, will be one of the most rewarding things in the history of all things.


Edited by D Immortalis, 12 September 2018 - 03:22 AM.

_+-=-+DAEMON IMMORTALIS+-=-+_

 

Day One is over, The Future's approaching
The embers are glowing, we're spreading the ash


#9 Caldwin

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Posted 16 September 2018 - 09:39 PM

So tomorrow's my appointment. I'm not looking forward to it.

For one thing, I feel better. All the crap that was screwing with me before...I feel better. So much so that I could almost convince myself that it was just a bad week and I really shouldn't be so dramatic.

Except I know better. Yeah this week's been better. But when a bad week gets so bad that now I actually have a plan...and I could find myself typing what I typed up there...I know I need to do something about it.

But now that I've gone from an appointment a couple weeks away to now it's tomorrow...

This is going to suck.
PSN = Caldwin Switch = SW-7457-8143-2029

Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.

Before you do anything you can't undo...National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

#10 The Doctor Who

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Posted 16 September 2018 - 09:52 PM

Maybe. Talking about your feelings can suck, especially if you're not used to it.

 

But you're right to not take 'I feel fine now' to mean you will feel fine tomorrow.  It might suck, but it will be a step in the right direction.

 

Think of it like this: Getting a flu shot sucks.  Only a very select group of people enjoy having needles shoved in their arms and mysterious concoctions of undefined stuff injected into them and it can sometimes make us feel bad in the short run, but we do it every year because we don't want to feel even worse in the long run or make others around us feel really bad as well.


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#11 D Immortalis

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Posted 16 September 2018 - 10:54 PM

Trust me on this, man...Think of the Therapist as someone so completely out of your sphere that theyre barely a real person. Think of them as essentially a blank space you can open all of your cans of paint and graffiti on...except this blank space occasionally asks questions and tries to help you take your Jackson Polllack of a life and smooth it into a Van Gogh.


_+-=-+DAEMON IMMORTALIS+-=-+_

 

Day One is over, The Future's approaching
The embers are glowing, we're spreading the ash


#12 Caldwin

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Posted 17 September 2018 - 04:07 PM

Well, I did it. I had my checkup today and I had my doctor refer a therapist. I have an appointment in 2 weeks. I guess that makes it official. I'm messed up.
PSN = Caldwin Switch = SW-7457-8143-2029

Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.

Before you do anything you can't undo...National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

#13 Fnu Aw

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Posted 17 September 2018 - 06:05 PM

I don't know why I didn't bring this up before, but I'm sure I've done it elsewhere.

 

My school once referred me to a therapist and set up the first session. Kinda embarrassing but they kept it quiet. They weren't so bad sometimes.

 

Anyway that first session was great and I never wanted it to end. It was a really good experience.


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#14 Caldwin

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Posted 01 October 2018 - 06:39 PM

I really don't want this to become my own personal journal or anything. If anything, I'm hoping it could become something that everyone who needs it could make it their own share space.

But at the same time, this kinda needs a bump because this is one thing I'm totally serious about. I've survived two friends committing suicide. I've had serious thoughts myself. And this is one thing I don't want to happen here.

Without naming names, there are people here who I think probably really need this who haven't responded yet. I can understand that. It's not the easiest thing to talk about. It's something you have to be ready to talk about in your own time.

So in the mean time I'm going to try to keep this bumped and in the eyes of those who need to see it. Because this is one thing I really don't want to get swept under the rug.

D Immortalis, The Doctor Who, Echowarrior, Fnu Aw...thank you for your conversation here. I'm glad you've been willing to talk.

So, bumpage, and hopefully something someone can take away from this post:

I went to my first therapy session today. It was mostly a preliminary getting to know you type thing. She wants to make this a weekly thing until things get more settled as far as getting comfortable with these sessions and getting the real ground work done before taking it back to once a month.

It's kinda costly. But she said that the first one is the most expensive due to new-patient stuff. But thankfully my HSA was able to cover what insurance didn't. I've got another appointment next week and then I'll see what to expect the normal sessions to cost. Then I'll decide just how often I can do this.

Coming into the session I wasn't sure how it was going to go. After all, even with the melt-down I had that made me decide to start these sessions, I was feeling pretty decent since then. I mean, still suicidal thoughts, but not the feelings of following through on them. Overall, I've been feeling okay. So what was I going to say? But once I have a plan of how I would kill myself given the right "hug it" moment I wasn't about to let that make me chicken out.

But honestly, it was alright. I built it up in my head to be this really uncomfortable thing, but really, it was just a conversation. It was very much a at my own pace kind of thing and it wasn't nearly as threatening as I feared. It was honestly harder typing some of my shit here than it was talking there.

So I guess the takeaway, I'm not sure how to talk to you about finances. That's something I'm always worried about myself. But when it comes to the therapy session itself, it's nothing anyone should worry about. Don't let yourself build it up in your head so much that you talk yourself out of going. It can help.

Also, one of the other things I was worried about was being put on meds. It's just something that at the moment I have a block against. But again, this is very much an "at your own pace" type of thing. Could be drugs won't even be needed. And if they are, they let you come to that at your own time.

So...I guess my takeaway is that all the things I built up in my head against getting help or whether or not I even needed it or was just wimping out (for a board-friendly paraphrase of what I really wanted to say)...they really aren't things you should let stop you. They're just things you're building up in your head. If you need help, you need help.

So...next week I guess I'll let you know how the second session works out. But...honestly...if you're feeling this topic is something you need to talk about...I really hope you do. In your own time of course, when you need to and when you feel you can.

Just...I don't want to be the survivor of a third incident any more than I want to make any of you a survivor. It sucks. It sucks really bad.
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#15 The Doctor Who

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Posted 01 October 2018 - 08:08 PM

 

But honestly, it was alright. I built it up in my head to be this really uncomfortable thing, but really, it was just a conversation. It was very much a at my own pace kind of thing and it wasn't nearly as threatening as I feared. It was honestly harder typing some of my shit here than it was talking there.

That's probably the sign of a good therapist.  That's kind of their job; making people comfortable enough to talk about what's in their head.

 

 

So I guess the takeaway, I'm not sure how to talk to you about finances.

If you feel comfortable with it, you can always just quote numbers.

 

X many dollars before insurance, Y many after.  I think that would actually help a lot of people figure out their plans, if they had some idea of the kind of cost they'd be walking into.  I know one major deterrent to me getting therapy has been the potential cost, when I can barely manage my monthly finances.  Even if your numbers might not reflect what everyone's insurance might cover and what a specific therapy group might charge, it will at least provide a full picture of your experience. And the less mystery surrounding the subject, the better.

 

Also worth noting: That seeking help is not a sign of weakness.  In fact, it can be a sign of personal strength to seek the help you need, when you need it.  To deny yourself help out of fear of consequences is by nature an act of weakness* and it takes strength to overcome that fear and step up to the actions you know you have to take to survive. Do not feel weak that you required help, but feel strong that you could bring yourself to ask.

 

It is the toxic idea that we all must be a pillar of self-sufficient strength that leads us to believe that needing and seeking out help is a bad thing.  But human society was not built on individual strength, but on the strength of our interconnected social structure.  Our power, as human beings, is in how we can lift one another up and, by doing so, make the whole a greater sum than any one could have been alone.

 

 

 

*I wish to emphasize that this should not be taken as a condemnation of anyone who doesn't seek help. I say this all from the position as someone who has openly admitted that I haven't yet found the will or means to seek out help. There are many reasons why one might not have found help yet and not all of them make a person weak.  And being afraid of taking big steps in one's life is a natural response to potential change, one that takes strength to overcome, but should not be taken as shameful if one cannot.  It takes strength to live with emotional and mental disorders and just surviving is a show of personal strength.  No one who suffers like this is really weak.


Edited by The Doctor Who, 01 October 2018 - 08:08 PM.

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#16 Echowarrior

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Posted 01 October 2018 - 09:12 PM

Hey, I'm glad you bumped this. Truthfully, temptation was getting to me bad over the last few days too. It happens whenever I do something monumentally stupid.

 

And I'm also glad that you're in an environment where you can talk out your troubles. Trust me, that's a good thing.


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#17 Caldwin

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Posted 01 October 2018 - 09:22 PM

If you think it'll help, I don't mind putting down numbers. But I can't stress enough that this is my therapist and my insurance and I really can't say what anyone should expect where they live.

 

I will say I'm also having a hard time with finances. I'm looking at taking a good chunk out of savings that I won't be able to put back just to make it to next payday. But when I came up with my plan, I knew I couldn't let that stop me. 

 

And let me be clear, I totally agree with you that seeking help and not seeking help cannot be seen as a sign of weakness. It's a very personal thing. I don't think anyone can judge what's weak and what's strong. It's a hard thing to seek help. It's a hard thing not to seek help. Nobody knows what it's like to live like this that hasn't been through it.

 

I've been like this for as long as I can remember. At 40 years old, I'm only just now seeking help because, now that I have a plan, I'm finally more scared of not getting help than getting help. Otherwise I'd still be refusing even to talk about it.

 

but you want numbers...again, I can't stress enough that this is my therapist and my insurance. It's in no way what should be considered typical.

 

 I first needed a $65 deposit for the appointment. The session was $196. She says it was that much because I was a new patient which required more...something. This isn't exactly itemized. My insurance paid $75.37. Leaving me with $120.63. Minus the $65 deposit I already paid, I paid an additional $55.63. Luckily, my HSA covered it.

 

Now they said next week should be quite a bit cheaper, but given factors such as insurance coverage and co-pay and blah blah blah...they hesitated to give an exact amount. I can tell you next week after the appointment.

 

But again, this is my therapist and my insurance. I really can't say what you should expect.

 

Also, again, I should say that my finances aren't great. It's only because of my HSA that I can do this. But when you come to a point where you have an actual plan of how to end your life, it's truly a life or death situation and a way needs to be found. 


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#18 Caldwin

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Posted 01 October 2018 - 09:34 PM

Hey, I'm glad you bumped this. Truthfully, temptation was getting to me bad over the last few days too. It happens whenever I do something monumentally stupid.
 
And I'm also glad that you're in an environment where you can talk out your troubles. Trust me, that's a good thing.


I won't ask what it was. I will say that my point came after a couple weeks worth of sliding into monumentally stupid things. Some things I'm simply too ashamed of...a couple downright harmful to myself. So while I have no wish to compare the magnitude of stupid things, I think I get it.

I'm glad you're still here and feel comfortable enough to talk about it. I think, I hope it helps

1. For you to get it off your chest and

2. Someone else sees what you're going through and can say "holy crap, someone else gets it."

So thank you.
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#19 Cybersnark

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Posted 01 October 2018 - 09:54 PM

She says it was that much because I was a new patient which required more...something. This isn't exactly itemized.

Intake paperwork. Files need to be opened, schedules need to be arranged, treatment courses need to be decided on, notes need to be taken and turned into reports, which need to be reviewed, edited, copied, and filed, other treatment providers need to be consulted (especially if there's medication involved), etc.

(Not a psychotherapist, but my current job involves proofreading and editing reports, so I can catch a small glimpse behind the procedural curtains.)

#20 Fnu Aw

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Posted 03 October 2018 - 06:27 PM

But when I came up with my plan, I knew I couldn't let that stop me.

 

 

It sounds like you're getting better already.

 

 

But seriously, that is a good thing to tell yourself any time you start to have doubts about what you're doing. It seems circular, but a way to build confidence is to declare to yourself that you already have it. It's a way to reframe things.


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