I was unexpectedly triggered to a rather serious degree about 10 minutes into episode 2 and had to stop. I'm not sure when I'll be able to pick it back up.
This is what I get for not binge watching like I normally do.
if you don't mind me asking...what set you off?
The whole opening segment with Mike trying to lie to Eleven over the phone was an irritating lead-in to my reaction, by what truly set me off was Hopper asking El what was wrong, and then when she shut the door, the smug smile on his face hit me down deep, and for a split-second I was enraged, on more than one level. The pinkie-knuckle on my right hand is still somewhat sore deep-down from my slamming my fist down on my desk. The anger came over me so rapidly that my normal restraints against "hitting inanimate objects" as an expression of fury (my old, inappropriate, and highly-flawed coping-mechanism) weren't able to catch it.
One of the key things was that Hopper's combination of aggression and manipulation was reminding me of my older Brother, and its not flattering. While I knew I hated much of my Brother's behavior throughout my life, I wasn't completely aware that it would be that triggering. I think part of the reason why is that over the past couple of years I've been doing a lot of introspection on the things that happened around me and to me while growing up, trying to process traumatic events in the hopes that I might be able to get a better handle on my anxieties.
My usual state of being over the past few years can be summed up as "unwell". I'm haunted, anxious, and discontent, and dealing with people can deplete my spoons quite rapidly, and its hard for me to let things go. I often dwell in a state of passive suicidal ideation, feeling as if I wouldn't mind if I simply ceased to exist. Its not that I want to die or have any plans on making it happen, but the thought of not dealing with any further emotional turmoil has its appeal. The last time I was actually happy for an extended state of time was at the final Botcon.
Anyway, the introspection has probably left me more vulnerable than I otherwise would have been. I have yet to pick the episode back up, and in an attempt to get a lot of it off my mind, I went ahead and spoiled myself for the rest of the season's events.
Sorry about getting so dour in the thread.
Edited by CORVUS, 15 July 2019 - 10:56 PM.