I figured out I was trans just over two weeks ago. It feels like my subconscious has known for at least 15 years, though. I remember having If I Had Animorph Powers daydreams that often ended with me getting stuck in a girl form.
That's a huge first step! To not just transitioning but to better understanding who you are.
My advice now would be to find some support in your area: whether it's online, or a support group, or a therapist who works with transgender individuals. It seems scary but it's actually a huge help! (and it's actually a million times scarier to face this alone)
You said that you only live as a female PT. Are there outside social or professional factors that prevent you from living as your actual gender FT?
If not, living only PT just seems like crossdressing to me since you haven't completely rejected living as your physical sex and seems contrary to what I know about transgenderism.
If this is getting too personal, just let me know.
There are DEFINITELY outside factors. Number one being that I still live with my family, and have only very recently "come out" to most of them. Trying to transition like this is a HUGE minefield, but I have a close relationship with them and I didn't want to burn any bridges, so to speak.
I also had a huge bout with depression over the last few years. After I finished college I intended to transition and then start another school, but I met some roadblocks and my life sort of stalled out. And every time I found a glimmer of hope of actually succeeding life got in the way and ripped it away so the depression worsened. I'm super grateful that for the last few years I've been seeing my therapist (she's very involved in the trans community and an advocate of sorts) otherwise I wonder if I would be here, y'know without that one person who never gave up on me.
Also money is a huge issue. I managed to get insurance coverage, but it kind of sucked, so finding an endocrinologist who took my plan and worked with trans patients was tough. And most insurances only cover the doctor visits, not the hormones themselves (luckily they cover the T blocker, and Target has a discount plan on the estrogen!)
SO YEAH, A LOT OF FACTORS. In a perfect world I would have been living full time years ago.
We do not live in a perfect world.
And on the subject of "just crossdressing"... it's not crossdressing if you're transgender. And as was previously discussed being transgender doesn't refer to the actual physical process of changing your body. A true crossdresser is satisfied with their body and living in their assigned gender. Some prefer to be more androgynous but they're still men (and the same holds true for women crossdressers who dress as men!)
I take issue with you saying I haven't rejected my physical sex. OH HELL YEAH I rejected it years ago and I've been bloody fighting it tooth and nail ever since, full time, part time, all the time.
The dysphoria was huge up until recently. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
So yeah, I don't like being second guessed. Thanks! ( ^ . ^ )
I've touched on this before but I've still not really grasped it so maybe it can be revisited here.
Basically, as I understand it, the premise is such that inside you feel like one sex and on the outside your body is defined as another. Speaking as a male who was born a male, I can't understand exactly how that works.
Let me explain.
I don't identify as male. If you asked me to quantify what it is to be male, the first thing I'd say is "Well, it's something I don't really think about." But even when I DO think about it, such as now, I still can't tell you what it feels to be male or female. I have tried to break it down and think "Okay, this is what makes me a male" and I can't think of any innate encapsulation of that. I could say "Well, it's because I love farting and because I'm strong and tall" but those aren't really defined by biology, as there are women as tall as me and women who enjoy farting and laugh when they do. I could say it's because I don't have any desire to wear a dress, wear make up or paint my nails but those again are social constructs and only apply to the modern western world.
I don't feel like *any* gender so I don't grasp how someone could feel like the wrong one. Now certainly, this isn't meant as a rebuttal to what you are and what you feel, it's just me explaining how I want to understand it because for all practical purposes I can't.
Where does that feeling come from? How do you first identify it and what.. I dunno.. what things could you list that you knew were wrong that makes you identify or fixate on one gender identity or the other? How do YOU define your own gender enough to know it's not right.
What's the springboard or the catalyst for this identity?
Gender identity isn't something that's easily explained or conveyed, so you have having problems saying what makes yours "MAN" isn't abnormal. As someone cisgender especially your body is so in tuned that it floats somewhere out of sight and you never have to think about it. Isn't that cool?
I don't have that luxury. We don't have that luxury. It SCREAMS inside your head from the moment you wake up.
You know like the sci-fi trope of body horror? You start turning into a fly or some other mutant and there's just this horror deep inside. It's pretty much like that: you look down and it's your body but it's all wrong. Your brain is sending you "WTF!?" signals and you feel horrible.
I like to say to cisgender people this: Imagine you woke up as the opposite sex. You're now a woman (or a man, for the cis ladies) wholly in body, but your mind is still you. Now you have to go out and live your day as a woman, and be treated as a woman, etc. If you open your mouth and mention that you're really a man, and best case scenario, you'll get some strange looks and a chuckle. So the next day you're still the opposite sex and work up the courage to dress and identify like you want in spite of the stares and laughs. You feel a little better, a little more like you, but it still feels wrong. Some people are OK with it, some even friendly, but some they give you obvious, dirty stares. Are rude. Call you "F____T" or some other horrible name (that doesn't even apply to what you're going through! you did nothing to state who you're attracted to!).
Maybe they beat you up. Maybe they kill you. Any random person can decide that you somehow offend them SO MUCH it gives them the right to do whatever they want. To them you're not human.
The next day the same thing happens, you head out, try to live the way you identify, and live in fear... and the next day, and so on...
Your body is never going to magically change (back, in this case). Your sexuality hasn't changed, you're still you.
And you're left with two choices: "suck it up", be a woman, fake fitting in. OR struggle and fight against a society that marginalizes and misunderstands anyone different.
Make your pick!
Anyways... identity identifiers! How do you know? Well for me it was that I really didn't connect with any of my friends growing up (the boys). We'd hang out and play video games and stuff but they scared me! Something about the way they thought and acted, the roughness. Even the nerdy quiet ones had it. Everything was a competition... it felt gross! The one male friend I gravitated to most was gay... hanging with him felt more natural, relaxed. (we're still friends today!)
And there's the stereotype that little trans girls want Barbies and pink and glitter! Well I liked my Transformers. But damned if I didn't play with my younger cousin's Barbies every time I went over there (OMG, all the outifts!). I also remember wanting to buy a Jean Grey/Phoenix action figure because I just gravitated towards her character, but being afraid to do so because I was worried that my family would think I was weird, or they'd laugh... ( - _ - )
Oh, kinda random but did anyone else who liked Ninja Turtles have the April O' Neil with the real rooted hair? I LOVED that one. So pretty! I used to sit there and play with my toys and do the voices and then very quietly do April's voice, because I was afraid of family here me doing a girl's voice and doing girl stuff. (my mom would have made fun of me for sure, she's sort of mean I guess. Lol)
Yeah, wow, I wrote a lot.