pi - rat [pahy-ruht]

–noun

 
My name is CANNONBALL and I'm as scurvy as they come. I sail the seven galaxies in search of booty and treasure.. yeah, you heard me. But, when I'm not looting and pillaging, I like to relax by surfing the spacenet for images of Transmetal 2 Blackarachnia with the removable bra and answering your questions via email. If you have any questions you'd like answered then by all means This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it ! Just don't tell The Allspark I'm stealing their bandwidth for my own ego and your amusement. 

Today, the 19th of September by your pitiful Earth reckoning, be "International Talk Like A Pirate Day", an observance no doubt originated due to my rampant popularity among the hipsters of your world.  Today, instead of answerin' questions from the unwashed, cretinous masses, I shall ruminate on what it is to be a pirate in a world such as this.  The only way I know how to do that is... in the form of a classic Sea Chanty!  Sing along if ye like; I've shamelessly plundered the tune from "The Major General's Song" from those landlubbers Gilbert and Sullivan's operetta "The Pirates of Penzance." (Which is a pedestrian, although accessible, if not completely inaccurate, depiction of life on the high seas.)  Enjoy!

(Just a moment while I take a draught of energrog.)

(Let me clear my vocoder 'afore I begin.)

(Complete silence, if you please.) 

(Thank you.)

(Without further ado...) 

THE PIRATE UPPER ECHELON SONG 

I am the brand new model of the pirate upper echelon,

I've information Autobot, and Maximal, Decepticon,

I know the route to Iacon; I’ve dueled the greatest generals,

From Alpha Prime to Zeta Max, in order alphabetical;

I'm very well acquainted, too, with Polyhex arithmetic,

I know what’s meant by breem and vorn; how long it takes to reformat

And change your shell from back to forth, a monkey-truck or cyber-bat,

A transformation in all things from that to this and this to that.

I'm very good at telling lies, dissembling the truthful facts

For bending truths with wink and nudge I’m told that I have quite the knack.

In short, in matters Autobot and Maximal, Decepticon,

I am the brand new model of the pirate upper echelon.

I know our mythic history, of Primus and the grand Allspark;

I followed Optimus and crew as they set out aboard the Ark

Crashed on a mudball known as Earth and slept away the centuries,

A jet, a tank, a car, or bus: as form I’ve chosen none of these;

When Megatron and Prime did duel atop the Terran watershed

Sincerely did I hope that one of them would lose his bloomin’ head

Then I could take my place atop the Cybertronic cataract

So long as my dear ship and crew deigned not to shoot me in the back!

Then I could burn my name upon the soaring arching Kaon walls

And say that near and far all ‘bot will know my name is Cannonball

In short, in matters Autobot and Maximal, Decepticon,

I am the brand new model of the pirate upper echelon.

Get set to meet my pirate crew: They’re talkative and quite profound!

There’s Tidal Wave and Thunderblast, but not least puny swab Short Round.

Rapacious lust for Energon; that blessed prize at Sandokan,

Which guides my spark and tills my oar; ‘twas them that robbed me of my hand!

When I tell you that Shockwave was a doddering and useless clod

When I know more of tactics than a proto in a stasis pod—

In short, I say this pirate lifestyle really truly suits me fine—

You'll say the greatest Cannonball must be the dreaded Number Nine.

For my privateering knowledge, though I'm furious and full of scorn,

Has only been brought down to the first day of the last decavorn;

But still, in matters Autobot and Maximal, Decepticon,

I am the brand new model of the pirate upper echelon.