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A little social life help here...


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#1 Blacknife

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 10:46 PM

The following may be a short novella...you are warned.

I have a female co-worker friend {she actually now works in a different department than me, but basically we met while working in same department}.


She and I started hanging out about six years ago. Complete best friends, loved doing stuff day in day out, etc, etc. She and I started planning trips like to Italy. She also stated she didn't feel attracted. She was rather toxic at first because of her back and forth with her ex at the time.

About toward the third year of hanging out, I started developing feelings. I was in complete denial about them, and basically they did not play out in a good way {I didn't try anything, but basically I was acting jealous towards other guys she'd mention, my mom was telling me I was treating it like a relationship rather than friendship}. Eventually, it all boiled out, She and I got into a fight about stupid things, I admitted to my stupid crap. Eventually after fight, there was a reconciliation. For awhile it was going good, but the feelings just hit like a ton of bricks...no more denial. Admitted them, she didn't feel the same.

As strange as this might sound, when I admitted them I never asked her out. I have a philosophy of respecting her wishes no matter how I felt. She'd have to be the one to change her mind.

For about a good six months, She and I had zero communication. She started small communication again through work, and eventually we have now gotten back to where our friendship was in the first place. My feelings are pretty "in check" right now. Admitting them way back was a huge release valve. Also, at the time they happened, I was effectively "rebounding" in an emotional sense. And, like stated earlier, She was going through a lot of crap with her then long term ex...no excuse for toxicity...but still.


I told her upfront that if we hung out again, I wasn't sure how my feelings would go. Well, I know that they are in fact starting to build up again. Since there's no denial factor, I'm handling them way better. I don't make our hanging out about what I want, but about our friendship. She's even complimented me about how I've handled it versus a lot of her other suitors that keep coming after being told no.

She's currently dating someone else right now. This is a big help since it makes it easier for me to handle my feelings.

But now, something else has come up.

She wants me to fake a relationship for fun on Facebook. She's one of those gals that has fake married her best gal pal so she wouldn't constantly change her status {she's been in and out of a lot of other relationships since finally being done with said ex ...} and not be bothered by guys {the latter part didn't really work...}. Lately, she has grown irritated with said pal, and suggested to me to change her status to one of being in relationship with me. She and I even went today to a mall and got some pictures taking that are cutesy couple kind at a photo booth for some proof. We are set to hang out for the weekend with one of our mutual friends for his birthday to give even more "proof".

During this time, she made sure to insist on bringing up that it's a joke, brought up her guy, and that I'm the only one who can handle it without taking it seriously (again, feelings aside, I hate the idea of cheating more than any feelings I have)

Now, the part about the fake relationship is the idiocy of which I speak. Also, naturally, just the sheer factors involved that may play upon my own emotions. If I knew I couldn't handle it at all, I would have made some excuse to bow out. At some point of time, I just might have to do so anyway {she said she'd go back to being "single" again after we've pulled our little stunt}.

So, what I'm looking for is an opin I guess. Should I stop things short, or just continue to roll with this? I know nothing will happen. I have no delusions of this. Some friends have told me that I should roll with it because she might have changed her mind and seeing how comfortable she is potentially getting involved. Some friends have told me that I should remember the past of her being a rather toxic friend during our initial friendship (and as much as I corrected my crap, she has done a 180 as well and corrected her toxic behavior...all though a part of me just wonders if the toxicity has simply taken a 'nicer' form).

Edited by Blacknife, 02 September 2012 - 03:30 PM.

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#2 Liege

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:13 PM

She seems pretty manipulative and asking you to 'pretend' to be her bf while knowing you have feelings for her is cold. Cotninue being friends with her if you want, but don't go along with this bs.

Her entire reasoning behind the fake relationship seems pretty trivial also. Giving her a reason to stop changing her fb status and preventing unwanted attention from d-bags is a piss-poor reason to debase yourself for this woman and makes her come across as weak willed.
QUOTE(NightViper @ Aug 3 2013, 02:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Escargon @ Aug 1 2013, 10:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And Liege, you're words really have had an effect on me. It made me relise I've shouldn't care about what others think of me, I should only care about what I think of myself.

Liege is a small dude with a lot of wisdom.

Well one of those descriptive words is accurate I suppose!

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#3 Lizard King

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:20 PM

That just sounds like a cluster hug dude

#4 lordtaco

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:26 PM

Fake facebook statues? Really? Really? This is what people do? No.

#5 NICK TYRANNO

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:31 PM

Seriously, end this now. Your feelings do hugging matter. Don't put them aside. There's better friendships out there than whatever you've got going on here.

#6 Kalidor

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:32 PM

Say "Hahaha.. but seriously, no."

Maybe follow up with "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard" for good measure.



#7 Darkstream

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:43 PM

she is immature and doesn't deserve your friendship. She is using you because you lack balls.

been there, done that......don't be a doormat.

on the other hand had you never had feelings for her and she asked you to do the fake FB thing, then there wouldnt be a big deal at all. Thats not the case though.

#8 MrBlud

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:43 PM

QUOTE
She seems pretty manipulative and asking you to 'pretend' to be her bf while knowing you have feelings for her is cold. Cotninue being friends with her if you want, but don't go along with this bs.


This.

#9 Blacknife

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:51 PM

Actually the whole "marry your best friend" thing for gals seems pretty common to me, she's not the only co-worker or female friend I know that I've had on Facebook that's done this ...especially if they are constantly on-off with an ex... that was more of my opinion than her actually stating that up front.


It hasn't been done yet, but there was thought over doing it on the weekend.

And, yeah, I thought I might get the answer of toxicity being in different form...


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#10 Evil Zoe

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:59 PM

Dude, you need to get as far away from this toxic hot mess as you can. REAL friends don't put you in these positions.

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#11 Axaday

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 12:05 AM

I don't like it. Tell her to change her status to "in a relationship" and leave it there. I really don't think any reasonable person needs her to prove it with pictures and a name.

She's hurting you and it isn't fair.

#12 Liege

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 12:07 AM

QUOTE(Blacknife @ Feb 8 2012, 11:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Actually the whole "marry your best friend" thing for gals seems pretty common to me, she's not the only co-worker or female friend I know that I've had on Facebook that's done this ...especially if they are constantly on-off with an ex... that was more of my opinion than her actually stating that up front.


It hasn't been done yet, but there was thought over doing it on the weekend.

And, yeah, I thought I might get the answer of toxicity being in different form...


Yeah, for girls. Don't let her emasculate you. The fact that she is using you like this just shows that she see's you as one of the girls and that you don't ever have a shot with her unless you do something to drastically change her opinion of you (which outside of crappy rom-coms are incredibly rare).

Don't let this be a repeat of the Bass X0 thread and please take our advice.
QUOTE(NightViper @ Aug 3 2013, 02:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Escargon @ Aug 1 2013, 10:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And Liege, you're words really have had an effect on me. It made me relise I've shouldn't care about what others think of me, I should only care about what I think of myself.

Liege is a small dude with a lot of wisdom.

Well one of those descriptive words is accurate I suppose!

3ds friend code: kyle 4141 2965 5460 pm me yours to add.

#13 Ironbite

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 12:16 AM

Someone go get Ackbar.

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#14 Bleargh001

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 12:31 AM

This one falls under the heading of, "if you have to ask, then you already know."

She is hurting you.

On purpose.

For fun.

Don't let her. End any contact with her now. She is not a friend. You are a toy for her to play with. Your feelings are a toy for her to play with.

Save yourself and cut your losses.

You deserve better than this.


#15 ExVee

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 12:44 AM

Karl, if it helps you any, I've been through similarly manipulative behavior. You're a ways ahead of me being that you're aware enough to be able to question whether something is wrong. Please be willing to listen to the answers you're being given.


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#16 Random Items

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 12:59 AM

I won't get into how it's rotten of her to ask you to fake a relationship on Facebook in the first place, since everyone in the thread has done that, but you ought to also consider how putting a fake relationship on YOUR profile could hamper your own chances, should another interested lady come along and happen to look you up on the Facebooks to see if you're available. That could backfire on you in a big, big way you may not have considered.

#17 kizudarake

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 01:13 AM

Seriously, there's not a Picard Facepalm pic that exists that would be epic enough to illustrate what's wrong with this crap.

Just stop talking to her. Period. You don't need this crap. You are already friend zone level 156 as things stand.

How old are you and she? That sounds like something a bitchy 13 year old girl would do to the mentally-challenged kid that hangs around on the outskirts of the group and thinks he's pretty awesome because the cool kids let him buy them sodas.

That doesn't even include the potential for messing up your future chances at actually seeing a real life tunnel of lust. Say you do this. 6 months from now, you meet an awesome girl. You two hit it off, talk about a date, and you exchange profiles. She's gonna see 'married', think you're a creeper and bolt. If she does stick around long enough to ask you about it, she won't believe you, and she'll ask your 'wife'. Your crazy bag of issues is going to think 'hey, she's gonna steal my pet away! I'm not done playing with him!" and flip out.

In closing: Your life is not a romantic comedy. You will NOT end up with the girl at the end of this. You will end up with a situation you'll be explaining to girls for 15 years, looking like a jackass the whole time.

Tell her to make a fake guy account and photoshop crappy Robert Pattinson magazine scans into her pictures, like every other middle school girl in her department. "I swear to god! Becky, they totally filmed a scene from Breaking Dawn in my living room, and Edward totally saw me in that one pair of jeans I have that doesn't make me look like I have a 2 year old's butt in a full diaper, and he fell in love with me at first siiiiiiight! He totally put his thingy in me, and I'm gonna have his baby just like Bella!"

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Edited by kizudarake, 09 February 2012 - 01:29 AM.

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#18 NICK TYRANNO

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 01:21 AM

You need to start meeting other girls any way you can. You seem to have already invested WAY too much time in this one, and she's the definition of a dead end

This girl may flip out when YOU start ignoring HER, but that's what is supposed to happen to horrible human beings.

#19 Blacknife

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 01:37 AM

I did my whole dating life thing in reverse. I'm 36 but had a very long term relationship out of the gate (11 years) when I was 19. Effectively, my first girlfriend was best friend and first everything...and so far only one. The co-worker is 26. . I've spent about five (actually seven if you count the mess starting to fall apart for the last two years} years being single attempting to learn everything I never had an opportunity to do so. Much of this experience has come with hanging out with female co-workers like her... So, I have a handicap...every mistake I should have made wasn't done when I was younger. Strange irony is that I get to attack my situations with the wisdom of experience that I've seen my other friends go through, but yet fail to recognize it when it's directed at me (well, except posting novellas).

So, I guess it's a fair assessment to say that my emotional maturity, when it comes to friendships/relationships, is not quite up to par to where I shouldn't be accepting of this behavior.

And, just for explanation, her toxic behavior before was all that kind of "woe is me" attention seeking stuff. She would play victim, then once she got attention, she would cut off communication. Either that, or she would constantly flake out to go be with her "not" long term boyfriend. She actually finally ditched the guy, and no longer pulled that earlier behavior. So, I thought maybe she might have changed.

Then, this kind of came up. I guess the euphoria of the friendship being back, along with my feelings, was blinding me.

For now, I'll just go with the suggestion of her only putting a relationship status on her page. To be honest, it doesn't jive with my principles about cheating...even if I know it's "fake". I won't do any relationship changing on my page. As far as the booth pictures, I'll just tell her not to post them.

And, yeah, if I actually met someone else (and knowing my luck I would actually happen to meet someone if I went through with it...)...it would screw it up.

Edited by Blacknife, 09 February 2012 - 01:48 AM.

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#20 NICK TYRANNO

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 02:02 AM

You're never too old to sort your stuff out. Just go out of your way to meet more girls and use the stuff you've seen work for your friends.

You really should confront her by telling her its a stupid idea, though. Quoting Kal's post would be a good place to start.



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