I'm excluding the text since this is mostly storytelling showcase related. I think its pretty amusing storywise, but as far as a showreel go there is not much variety.



But I'm kindof anal that things like these should at least be self contained and work beyond "ooh, pretty" as well.

Anyway. Supposed to be post AHM-ish given by IDW Bublebee. Steeljaw is my own re-invention, turns into a motorcycle.

I also noticed now when I thumbnailed it that I've done this kindof intro before. But its in a comic I haven't showed here. The whole "pet" angle. But there it whas a... giant bumblebee eating someones lunch wich sparks off a relationship wich cheers up depressed guy. Is the "giant robots playing fetch" different enough or should I do something else?

I think you can condense this into two pages, it can be done! Seriously, give the script another once over, cut all that fat off. Most of the time 90% of the first draft can be cut without hurting the story.

Also, what do you want to say to your audience? And how many pages will this be?

It can. But I wonder if it'll have the same pace and atmosphere. Guess a second goaround on the thumbnails will show.

What I want to say? It's basicly a story from a teenage girls pow that when made homeless after AHM have to work in a restaurant under a jivey boss to be able to pay the rent of a studio apartment that she shares with three other people. But that is basicly giving flavour and context to the real deal wich is everyday grind and stress. Little things cheer you up and when she sees one of the things that have basicly roughed up her whole world act pretty polite and silly. It brightens her day a bit.

That's it. The rest is plot. These are all pages BTW.

Uf I go through with this one I'll see what I do. Maybe a second two pager to go with the first is in order then as well. Something more action oriented. But I wonder if something longer and coherent won't be best.

Yeah, the hard part is letting everyone know that this is the aftermath of AHM. Yeah, backstory slows things down.

When I say 'action' I just mean things happening. Not super awesome fighting.

I think your message is pretty good.

More crits :

page 1- I dont really think you need a full page to show that her boss sucks. You can also use this time to show where she lives.(in a crappy crowded studio) I think you can get to the end of page two by the end of page 1.

Page 3 and 4 seem good as is. BUUUUUt... Somewhere you need to show the damage the decepticons did. otherwise we wont get the message.

See the big panel of page two? That one has the skyline with the damaged buildings, the paragraph that tells about the situation in breif "the whole city is broken since they came" "I'm currently living in a crowded studio apartment with two others" "the rent is absurd".

text for the other two panels in sucession:

"I've tried the government, guess it's broken too."

"It sucks" "But like allways I keep going"

I tried to make it so that the entire fact that it's related to Transformers (and in turn AHM, that it can be read in different ways and still make sense) at all is a bit of a surprise untill you see Steeljaw skipping after the discus.

Bumblebee seems bigger than life and majestic untill the scale reveal and friendly excuse for the ruckus on the last page.

I agree about the boss. You only need one panel for that. Maybe giving a quick morning routine and a shot of city life will manage to fill up the rest. But maybe that takes away from the small scale in the big since it sets up too much?

I think that we will see the scale just fine. I think the biggest thing is keeping the reader interested. And having the broken city in the background of the last panel on the first page will make people want to see the second page.

That way we still see a reveal on the second page.

btw, glad you pointed out the skyline, totally missed it.

As far as panel to panel storytelling its pretty good, except there is a continuity error; characters should stay on the side of the scene they were introduced in. So bumblebee should always be on the left side of each panel. and should face right. UNLESS you have a panel with BB crossing over the girl, or there has been a significant time lapse/scene change.

Sorry if you're already aware of the 180 degree rule. If you dont follow the rule, readers get confused.

I'm really glad you posted the thumbnails, I want you to succeed!

Reader interest is very true. In other similarly structured things I've done the world is allways a little out of the ordinary or there is more content on the whole. In a normal setting with less content (I don't honestly have a script for this eventhough I usually write them and its not thought true) it can be a bit taxing.

I really should translate some of my stuff to English.

I'm aware of the 180 degree rule (I've learnt to think of it as "the line of action"). But the camera angles will change and if you view the girl from the back you will see Bumblebee from the oposite side. But it's not an establishing shot so you are right it might be seemed as odd.

As far as the 180 degree rule is concerned, I think you can place them all to make sense without breaking it. HAHA! lol

You'll figure it out, no doubt. If you ever have a script or something I wouldnt mind taking a look at it.

I'm certain I will. I've done it before. It's just healthy to get second opinions.

Oh yeah.

This is in Swedish, it's not the same pacing but its related to robots anyway: EDIT: Linksnippage.

That was a top notch story there. Sure I didnt understand a word they said, but I got the idea. Solid storytelling. That inking and art style is really fun to.