Taking a big, important step

Hey everyone. There's something that's been gnawing at me for a while, and I think it's time I brought it up here.

When I first joined the Allspark, I was a nervous wreck. I would constantly apologize, I made big, overly dramatic posts about how I felt I was some blight on the community and that I'd leave if everyone was tired of hearing me whine, and stuff like that. I... don't do that so much anymore, but I've enabled those same bad behaviors in other ways all the same. I still constantly doubt myself, worry that my words are offending everyone, second guessing myself. It's not just on the board... it's in pretty much every aspect of my life.

I've been burned a lot growing up, and I've had situations where I've legitimately upset people with my behavior. But... it feels like I'm always being haunted by the same demons as I was when I first started coming to this place.

I should be straight here on something. I've been diagnosed with depression, and I have both asperger's, adult ADHD, and anxiety disorder. So there's a lot of issues on top of whatever I'm bringing up here that I know can't be solved on a message board.

But... the kind of activity I get up to on the internet is a big part of my behavior. So I can't ignore it either, and say it's insignificant in comparison to the other stuff I have to deal with.

Around a week ago, I started to think that by excising myself from participating in big discussions about fandom would be a good start to alleviating these feelings of anxiety, but that's failed. Yeah, I know, "But Raz, you only gave it a week!" And yeah, I know. But... and I know I say "but" a lot, the truth is, I've resolved to do this tons of times and failed each and every single one. I've realized that eliminating stress over conflict isn't going to be possible if I don't pinpoint and attack the source of the problem to begin with. Because I feel like I keep coming back and coming back and miss the real point.

And it's doing more than keeping me from being content. It's keeping me from taking opportunities. It's keeping me from feeling comfortable with my friends. It's keeping me from making friends. The real tragedy of the matter is that... thirteen years later, I still lie awake at night wondering if the guys at the Allspark actually like having me around.

So, I ask a simple question: How do you keep from worrying about what people think of you?

That "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh dangit, people like me" stuff only goes so far, and there was an entire skit on SNL that showed how that can really not be helpful at all. And I know that what I'm asking here isn't a simple question to answer, even to oneself, but I feel like it's at the core of the things that keep me up at night. The things that keep me from fully appreciating myself. The ones that make my anxiety worse and worse and worse and worse and the ones that cause me to go into fits when I get reminded of old mistakes.

Because I want to be able to just talk about pretendy changable robots, and do all these other fun, wonderful fandom things, and not have to constantly fret over the fact that I'm screwing up. Maybe the problem is that I get too invested in how I feel. But whatever it is, I think that it's really keeping me from maturing as a person and finally getting over the stuff that's been haunting me for years.

Cyberverse Huffer

http://www.tfw2005.com/boards/transformers...rse-huffer.html

Trailcutter redeco.

(IMG:http://i.imgur.com/8MP9FAN.jpg)

Cyberverse Abominus revealed

http://www.tfw2005.com/transformers-news/t...d-image-177249/

Edit: Original Link from Hobbybase https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=609...elevant_count=1 - PC

Blu Mankuma hospitalized, fallen "deathly ill"

http://www.tfw2005.com/boards/transformers...-death-bed.html



Oh dear. I certainly hope he makes a thorough recovery. I'll definitely be keeping him in my thoughts.

EDIT - forgot the link

Greg Weisman has written episodes for Prime, Rescue Bots

http://www.worldsfinestonline.com/WF/young...interview12.php

Greg Weisman recently had an interview with Worlds' Finest. The focus is on Young Justice, but the end has this little tidbit:



Excitement!