Q: What the heck is up with the Quintessons? Why the 5 face version & the squid-like one head?

Well, lad, you've got to remember: some of us Cybertronians are meant for different tasks. Take me f'r example. I'm built to whollop the everlovin' grease outta pipsqueaks like YOU WHO ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS!

Sorry, lad. Had a bit too much Paradron Port this afternoon with me lunch. It's like this: the squiddies are lesser Quintessons... jes' like how Autobots are inferior to Decepticons.

Q: Why did they need Allitrons & Sharkticons alike?

Well, why do I need Battle Ravages and Scrapmetals for my Terrorcon pens? What's good for the goose-a-tron may not be good for the ganderbot, if you catch my meaning.

Q: And did they really create the Transformers?

Ah, lad, that's just a hard drive's tale to scare protoforms. Everyone knows the Transformers evolved from a naturally occuring assortment of gears and pulleys.

Q: Also, what is the usual course of treatment for robo-scurvy?

Bah! Robo-scurvy builds character! Why, if it weren't for my bout with the malady in my early days, Cannonball the Eighth would've never thought I had the ball bearings to take on the name! That, and I was secretly hoarding orange energon chips in my foot locker... next question!

Q: So what's your opinion on the new Transformers movie?

Michael Bay knows what a good pirate likes: explosions, mayhem, and did ye see the booty on that Mikaela wench?

Q: Do you like the new look of the 'bots? Dislike it?

The gnarled faces remind me of this one deckhand I used to have... Queequantum, I think his name was. Ugly sot, for what it's worth.


Q: And what be the deal, exactly, with Pirates and Ninjas? And who would
win, ye or Sixshot™ (Sixshot™ is a trademark of Cybertronian Ninja
Consultants®)? And what about that Pirahnacon bilgerat?

Sixshot and I arm wrestled once. Aye... I ripped his arm out of its socket and beat him about the head and face with it. He went home bawling like the little girl he is! I still have that arm, I think.

I used to play croquet with the Seacons, actually. Snaptrap's a dirty cheating sod, Nautilator whines too much, Overbite's got atrocious table manners, and Seawing spits when he talks. Pirahnacon, on the other hand, is one classy 300-foot tall bot with the upper body strength to crumple me into a wee little metallic cube.

Q: Who's in your crew?

If ye think I'm about t'say Tidal Wave and Short Round, ye're... absolutely right, actually. I've never been very original with my recruiting.

Q: What would you do if your were marooned on a deserted planet with nothing but a string, a paperclip and a bottle of grog?

Butterfly or snailshell paperclip? What kind of grog? Starfury's Stout or Redshift Reserve? That makes a difference, ye know. Depending on the energon content of the grog, I might be able to pull a MacGyver on the whole thing and create some sort of interdimensional transit conduit so that I may be able to transcend time and space and return to my ship.

Or I could just drink the grog, get hammered, and forget I'm on a desert island. I could make a nifty slingshot from the paperclip and string... I guess.

Q: Who kicks more #!$, you or Red Alert?
Remind me... who stole whose body?

Q: Who would you consider the Guybrush Threepwood of the Transformers universe?

Bumbling... unsophisticated... bad with the femmebots... why, it's G1 Megatron, hands down. Never have I seen such a worthless wreck being unduly catapulted to such heights of notoriety while the real Decepticon personalities get shoved to the back of the history trax, never to receive a single footnote despite all their grand efforts and... I'm rambling again, aren't I?


Well, lads and lasses, that's all the time old Cannonball has to answer yer piddlin' little concerns. Keep writin' those Primus-be-damned emails and I'll try to answer to the best of my abilities.

Now sod off. I need a nap and an aspirin... and maybe some knockout gas for my little "upstairs neighbor".