garbage[gar-buhj]

–noun

 
H-h-h-hey Kids! I am Wreck-Gar and I am good for one thing: Answering the most burning questions you, the little people, have!  You may be wondering where Cannonball went... well, he was evicted because the lousy scotch tape he wrapped around the cord on his crock-pot made it explode causing a fire that burnt down two rooms!

Wait, that's not right.  

HE'S ON A BOAT.  In spaaaaaaace!  And that's the way it is. 

But seriously, folks, I've got letters.  Lots and lots of letters. LETTERS!  I've intercepted a huge cache of your transmissions to something or someone named Hasbro Kyewandaye, and I like answering questions!  _{The opinions expressed in the following letters column are the rampant and incoherent musings of a singular robut magically brought to life by a fragment of an arcane and mysterious Cybertronian artifact, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the www.allspark.com or those of the National Association for Women.}

 Our first letter comes from Filo Farnsworth, IV, of New Detroit, Michigan 2.0, United States of Sony:

How many Human Alliance figures are scheduled for the Revenge of the Fallen toy line? And when you decide to end the Revenge of the Fallen toy line, is there any chance that this fan-popular sub-line will continue? There are still plenty of human and not-so human characters that could use toys. Like Daniel with Arcee, Spike with Hot Rod, or Una and Chak with Transmetal Cheetor!

The answer to that is fairly simple: Garbage trucks, for example, are expensive, but the fact that they're hard to hide and harder to sell, means that you don't find a lot of garbage truck alarm systems. There are times I wish I had an alarm system! It could tell me if I had a human friend, like that nice man in the green with the mental disorder and the boxing glove arrows.  Or Sari.  She was our Prime for a little while, and I liked her.

Next is Sparkle McCracken from the Luna Colony, asking the following burning question:

2) After Perceptor and the Insecticons, how many other reissues are planned? Or if there are currently no plans for more reissues, but it's something that you'd like to look into in the future, which figures would you personally like to see reissued in the US market?

I am Wreck-Gar, and I am only available at discount clothing superstores!  There's a case for a reissue right there.  Perceptor, on the other hand, boldly mixes tedium with un-scariness.  Forget him!  But don't you forget about me!

Our final question comes from someone who didn't sign his email.  This aggravates me in two ways: one, it leads to vigilantism.  The anonymity of the Internet gives people big heads. Second, it breeds more irritating trolls who then think they're more important than anyone else.  So to this un-signed email author, I say you crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them, you hammered them to the point of desperation. And in their desperation they turned to a man they didn't fully understand. But Wreck-Gar is digressing! Here's the letter:

3) Is there a difference between obscure characters and brand new characters to the Hasbro design team? Do Hasbro's toy designers prefer to have complete freedom in designing a toy (or repainting an existing one) to make a brand new character or the challenge of modernizing the appearance of an old character (either through a new mold or repaints) while still keeping it recognizable as being the same character?

Modernizing!  Now there's something I can get behind!  Someone told me that the little toy motorbike I pulled out of my Trans-Rational Active Subspace Hamper looked like another universe's version of Wreck-Gar.  This is an outrage! It makes me mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!  Why can't these Hasbro designers ever get it right? I'm not a motorbike, I'm a garbage truck, and I'm proud of being a garbage truck!  How is a noble, honorable garbage truck a "modernization" of a polluting, pointy motorcycle? It's not.  It's a gentrification! It's making something horrible and tacky into something graceful and serene.  That's something these Hasbrozos should learn a thing or two about!

Well, that's all the letters I have time for.  With my AllSpark fragment gone, I cannot return to my planet. But fate has yielded its own reward: a new world to call home. I live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting...protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Wreck-Gar, and I am good for one thing: sending this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars: I am here. I am waiting.  For my latte.